the most wonderful time of the year

taking the day off work was a big mistake. it created yet another existential crisis. it's always this time of the year when i begin to question what i've done. most people reflect on this around christmas time, but for me, it's now. and so this is march, and what have i done?

i think the only reason people work is to avoid having to ask themselves what they really wish they could be doing. when i ask my kids what they'd rather be doing than studying at school, they always give me really weak responses: "i'd be at home, you know. just relaxing." "i'd be at the beach." "i'd be at the mall." i hate that stupid, pointless jobs exist. i hate even more that i've taken one from the bottom of the barrel. nobody knows what to do with his time anymore. sophisticated individuals would answer: "reading a book, watching a play, playing music, writing a story." but two years of pointless, mind-numbing work have stunted my creativity, and i can't say that i would rather be writing a story. my thinking is no longer clear. i have a hard time focusing on any one thing. if this truly is, as they say, "solidarity with the poor," why don't they just admit that it doesn't work, and actually do something to change it?

i've compromised two years because i didn't think i was good enough for an mfa program, which i really, really wanted. i chose to do americorps because it was the easy way out, and i really hate myself for always taking the easy way out. i don't want to be destined, doomed for complacency. if it costs me $30,000 for a program, so what. if i'm in debt for the rest of my life for education, so what? most of the population only has ps3's, suv's, and hdtv's to show for it. i'll have a lot of useless knowledge about rhetoric and composition. but at least it won't get repossessed when i decide i'm tired of working.

No comments: