shine on, you crazy guys.

i skipped out on second period today. i just couldn't handle 2nd and then 4th. too much of a headache. i think that i'm so used to being unnecessary and unappreciated that when i get a real job, it's going to sting, and it's going to sting hard. i used to be punctual and considerate. really, i was.

it occurred to me yesterday, while in the men's room (where all my deepest insights develop), that i've never really worked hard at anything in my life. in high school i slept and watched tv more than i did any actual homework. in college i didn't challenge myself because i wanted to keep my gpa high. meagan tells me to learn from my mistakes. but now i'm just working, and i definitely don't want to work at all. "it's not that i'm lazy. it's just that i don't care."

i'm supposed to be "planting the seeds." it feels more like wasting my time. these kids aren't going to remember me. i obviously can't remember any volunteers who came to my school when i was a kid. as morale sinks lower and lower, my patience falters. i sent my first student, jose corona, to ocsc (on campus suspension center) today. at first, he wouldn't sit in his desk.

"all right, corona. you can sit there, as long as you're following along."

"yeah, okay. i follow."

"if you don't follow along, you have to move back. we have a deal."

"yes."

he actually did follow along. it was a rare sight. then, during pair reading, he wasn't with his partner, samantha. when he finally sat down with her, he still wasn't reading with her.

"no, look, she doesn't want to read."

samantha says something in spanish.

"corona, just read. read this line."

"no, alicia starts."

"no, you do."

"why not alicia?"

"because you weren't sitting where you were supposed to. so, it's your turn. read."

"no, i don't wanna."

this goes on for a little while longer, and so i just give up. i grab his book from him and ask ms. joy to write him a detention slip. he understood what was going on right away, picked up his backpack and turned bright red. he didn't get to leave the room with any dignity.

i think what scares me is that there are worse schools than watsonville high school. much, much worse. i don't know why we have schools. i don't feel like i learned anything until i got to college and i started learning about how awful capitalism is, and how much injustice there is. that's when i wanted to read. no, wait, i was reading even before that. when holden caulfield said everyone was a phony. and i found out salinger didn't like talking to people. books didn't just expand my mind; they helped me disappear.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

"books didn't just expand my mind; they helped me disappear. "

I'm not sure that's such a good thing.