do you have any games that aren't math?

i graded math tests all day today. i finished sometime after lunch, and then the kids read from their science books. they're really not learning a damn thing. most kids missed 50+ problems on their tests. while i graded some of them, i was sadly holding my breath to see if there were any that had missed all the problems. there were a few close calls, but i think the biggest loser came in at around minus 82, 83. only two or three broke the minus 80 mark. if i was mr. cramer, i would've said, "man, you guys suck. fetchin' mexicans." and to those who did well, (again if i was mr. cramer) i would've said, "not bad. for a mexican." i got to thinking again today what an awful teacher he was. but i really don't believe in schooling, so it was kind of funny.

i really can't believe they make kids sit through this inane bullshit. they're so far behind that it no longer matters. as i was leaving today, i thought about how i was barely accepted to college. how i just slept everyday after high school because i was so bored and unhappy. i didn't get math, science, or any other subject that wasn't english or theology. i didn't really give a damn, either. then i try imagining myself doing that in mexico, in another language. the result? catastrophe. but there are kids who want to learn. there's veronica who came here from morelia when she was 11. there's rebecca and luis who scored fairly well on the math tests. i just don't get why we're focusing on math and science. let's take the two most boring subjects and try to make english language learners study them. whoever came up with that idea is a jackass.

i fell asleep when i got home. just like the olden days.

i tried working on this story i've been working on. it looked a lot better the last time i looked at it. when it comes to writing, i haven't a clue what i'm doing anymore. i put it all on the page, set it aside for a few weeks, then decide that i hate it. the problem is i'm expecting gold everytime i sit down, and i can't just settle for bronze, or nothing at all. it's like going to the clearance bins at your favorite record store, expecting that out-of-print raincoats debut, but obviously, you don't find it. instead, you grab a handful of cheap, decent cds to temporarily fill the void, and in a matter of days, you regret your purchase. you even sell them back at some point.

so, who are these people? these lauren weisbergers, these dan browns who fill their record collections with shit from the bottom of the clearance bins and convince themselves that what they've got is actually gold? that it's not mass produced bullshit? and where do roald dahl, raymond carver, flannery o'connor come from? they're the kind of people who just walk into the record shop, probably don't even listen to music, and they pull all the cool shit out without even looking. i hate them.

today, katy was listening to the arcade fire. this irked me. i flipped through her collection when she wasn't looking. a burned copy of interpol's antics, pearl jam, dave matthews. typical gringa shit with an elitist friend who probably recommends the indie stuff. i can't take her seriously.

and tonight, i just have to say that i'm unhappy. i don't really want to go into teaching. i want to cherry pick my students, and the chances of me getting a class i like at a school i like are very small. i think that all i really want to do is find someone who likes to play the music that i like to play. i need a collaborator, a muse, somebody who knows what to do and how to do it. this elusive, imaginary person makes me resent everybody. i want to make a documentary that matters, and i want to go places i've never been. i want to build shit, chairs and tables and coatracks, and sell them on craigslist. i want to not be so bored, so frustrated, and to not feel so stuck and useless.

wishful thinking. there are days when i can just shut all of this off. i can take pleasure in cool summer nights and the spanish voices swirling around. the kids playing basketball and volleyball next door, deep into the night. i can take a walk to the plaza and feel like it's the last authentic place in america, devoid of any fast food joints. okay, there is a gottschalks, but it's so shitty, it barely counts.

i like the old war protestors on friday evenings. it makes me feel like somebody still cares about something.

when i was twenty, i stopped being scared of so many things. i started speaking up in class, i asked meagan to be my friend, i talked to my parents about things that mattered, and i talked to random people. i temporarily woke up. slowly though, since then, i fell back asleep, and sadly, i forgot how i did those things. i think it was roald dahl who once said, "i live for the things that i hope to do," but i think i'm living for the hope of waking up again, even if it's just for a short time.

when i look through my journal, my real journal, i always come across the question i keep asking myself since i left school: "weren't we destined for something greater?"


ultrafknbd said...

Hey, I like Dan Brown. Wait, maybe that's Billy Brown ala Buffalo '66. Then again, maybe it's the movie of the book by Dan Brown. I know fer sure I like John Brown and Jim Brown. Yeah, it's not Dan Brown and it's definitely not the movie of the book by Dan Brown (except Ian McKellen's character). Maybe I should read some Dan Brown.

ultrafknbd said...

I checked this guy out at Time Tested the other week. I got really curious about the book (though I'm still too cheap to buy a copy). You may have already read it.

Rodrigo said...

Oi, achei teu blog pelo google tá bem interessante gostei desse post. Quando der dá uma passada pelo meu blog, é sobre camisetas personalizadas, mostra passo a passo como criar uma camiseta personalizada bem maneira. Até mais.