i fucking hate technology. i'm trying to apply for this administrative assistant position through los rios college, and i had to fill out all the necessary bullshit (previous employers, phone numbers, education, etc.) to get there. then, when i get to the very last page, all i have to do is upload my stupid typing certificate, and i get a fucking error. goddamnsonofabitchbastard.

i was thinking about a perfect metaphor to describe how i am in most social situations. imagine that you haven't showered in a while, that you've just run a couple of miles in the hot sun, haven't shaved in a while, and have gone far too long without a haircut. furthermore, you ate a lot of shitty, fatty foods the night before, so your face has broken out pretty bad. not as bad as high school, but pretty bad. and after your run, sweat rolling out your armpits, the bottom of your faded shorts sticking to your clammy thighs, you end up going to some "higher-end" (i call it that because i have no real sense of where the rich actually go) store like banana republic, anthropologie, or j. crew. you just kind of feel out of place, and, though no one is watching, you can sense the eyes burning into you. you wished you had dressed up a little more. you wished you had showered, shaved, maybe not gone running for so long. you feel like a minority, even though there are more of you than there are of "them."

that's pretty much the way it's always been. being a filipino-american in predominantly white catholic schools. getting dropped off in a beat-up ford ltd, when everyone else gets dropped off in bmw's. going to jesuit high school and not playing any sports. going out with friends, and not wanting to drink. volunteering through americorps and being a male. wanting friends, but unwilling to talk. "and so it goes."

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

So if you couldn't already tell, I'm going down the line.
At this point I've decided that I envy you because you can do what I wish I could while still feeling the way that I do.
I like that blogs make you feel like you're talking to a person even when you're completely alone.
Thanks for that.