filipino like me.

i've been reading tim wise's white like me. it's amazing. it sounds like my friend jacob wrote it, who, coincidentally is jewish and also supposedly (just kidding--is) antiracist. one of my favorite passages is this:

I have long thought I would prefer a land filled with angry and hateful people than one populated by spectators who watch the drama unfold, and no matter how bad it gets, never miss a single beat of their ordinary, predictable, pre-fabricated lives. Kids dying in Mississippi? Gotta remember to call Betty and make my hair appointment. Water cannons being turned on black people in Alabama? Gotta pick up the dry cleaning and grab a few things at the grocery. Medgar Evers shot down in his driveway? Did I remember to feed the cat?

it's something i've always struggled with. i think about when i was in college, and i'd be taking a class called poverty in america. what did i do in my free time? buy clothes from atlas or cds from easy street. the u.s. invades iraq, 2003. play a few hours of conflict desert storm on the x-box with the boys next door. african american literature. never question why only four people (this includes the professor) in the whole class are actually black.

but there were some moments where i grew, i think. like after reading peter singer's animal liberation in an ethics class, i went vegetarian for three years. (i'd still prefer to be veggie, if people didn't keep offering me meat every time i sat down for a meal.) when taking ignatian spirit and practice, i broke out of my shell for a while. i tried my hardest to make new friends and start conversations.

the last part is the real struggle. i kind of retreated back into the shell, especially after graduating from college. there are these fictious people i've created, who watch my every move, who look over my shoulder, and say, "who the hell do you think you are, talking to these people? you don't belong here." i've learned, especially at social gatherings, to sit with a glass of wine, or a plate of food, to never look bored, or desperate for conversation. i've mastered the illusion of solitary content.

tomorrow, i will schedule a typing test for a secretarial job. i will submit an application for an administrative assistant position at csus. i will register with a temp agency.

i will try my best to grow old and do some shit.

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