i don't want to live in my father's house no more.

another awful, disgusting day in sacramento. the air was unbreathable. it was like that sigur ros video, where all the school children put on gas masks to go play outside. the atmosphere was post-apocalyptic, reminiscent of 28 Days Later. i'm not exaggerating. apparently, there's a fire near gilroy and much of the smoke and smog has drifted our way, settling into our little shit bowl of a valley. i resent my parents for ever coming here. i know it's ridiculous to despise an entire town, but i do. i despise it.

my mom and i went to berkeley today. i saw a lot of college students walking around, cheerful with their backpacks, their visions of a brighter future. my heart blackened a little. i sat on amoeba's dusty floors, as i usually do, looking for dollar records since i can't afford anything more. i grabbed six or seven of them, then i decided at the last minute i didn't want them.

something's definitely wrong with me. i think my one week at mather youth has just killed me spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually. something in me died that day i drove away, never wanting to come back. i think i'm just fed up with work, the futility of trying to help individuals. i know i can't help, teach, or guide anyone when i'm constantly wallowing in self-pity, unable to visualize anything better for myself.

i'm constantly vacillating between going back to school or just giving in, going to work. really, what would i do with an mfa in creative writing, or an ma in english w/ a concentration in composition. a master's in rhetoric in composition. what the fuck is that? why do individuals aspire to become academics? how dare we use such flowery, intellectual language when the majority of our neighbors and community members are illiterate, poor sons-of-bitches.

i see this strange transition as a detoxification period. i don't want to turn on the t.v. for fear my mind will be further cluttered with ads. i don't want to make new friends for fear i'll forget the old ones. i really resent the fact that people just come and go. i'm just some rest stop on everyone else's destinations. i hate that i have no real childhood memories, only reruns and overplayed video games.

i have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. i take long naps and have recurring dreams where i'm in a moving car, but not driving. the message is obvious: i'm not in control. i don't just want another job. i don't really feel like i should go back to school. i want to travel, but i don't even have health insurance. i should've been asking these questions earlier. this culture makes it much too easy not to question.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Been enjoying going through your postings- it seems we have some similarities (floundering in life, etc.) and it is odd reading someone write things I have never thought to put into words, although if I did it would look similar to what you write. Anyway, keep up with the writing. Nice taste in music by the way.