lead me to water, lord, i sure am thirsty.

i'm too much of an alarmist. "every time we talk, it's like the end of the world," a friend tells me. i'm all talk and no action. i'm passive-agressive. i don't know what it's like to hunt for my own food, and i've never even caught a fish. for that reason, it doesn't feel like i'm in touch with humanity. if we really asked ourselves what our purpose is for being here, would we spend so much time hiding behind tv screens, ordering from the drive-thru menu? what do we lose when we simply order a pizza, instead of watching the bread rise in our own ovens? how much time are we really saving? am i halfway to crazy, or am i, as kramer once put it, "so sane that (i) just blew my mind?" it's easy for me to feel flustered, to think i've been let down. is all the questioning making me (us) sick? how did it get to the point that all our lives - you, me, and everyone we know - depended on numbers? when did someone decide that every little decision we made, from the shirts we wear to the water we drink, would be determined by a figure with a dollar sign preceding it? if life is all about the journey, and not the destination, then why do we microwave our food, myspace message our friends? how much time are we really saving? if children grew up without schools, would things be any better? how much did school play a role in breaking down our spirits?

i remember when miss crawley, kindergarten teacher, love of my five/six-year-old life, defended me, and took my only pink slip to the office herself. i didn't throw sticks at girls. not yet anyway. she believed in me. and her outrage was my victory. it was the first (the only?) time someone stuck up for me. and then i had to ruin it. later on in the year, i threw dirt and sticks at girls. peer pressure. i wanted their attention. i didn't want to be "good." i wanted someone to like me. i confessed. everyone was surprised i admitted it. life hasn't been the same since.

i've heard from multiple sources that life and all of existence is just one moment. time, obviously, is a man-made contraption, so this could be the real deal. "it's all happening." right now. i'm throwing sticks, and i'm holding back. right now i'm doing everything i can and nothing at all. it makes a lot of sense when i don't think about it too much.

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