cheerful holiday banter, pt. 1.

when i was in college, after the holidays i'd always ask my classmates and friends how their vacation was. but to be more specific, i was usually asking, what did your white conservative asshole relatives have to say? most of the time, the answer came back the same: "well, you know, they usually mouthed off their opinions in front of everyone; i ate quietly, and left as soon as possible." i couldn't help but feel for my liberal friends, and i always wished that they, we, had more backbone.

i'm more or less the same way in the company of strangers. that's why, for the less articulate among us, i think it's important to have a script to carry around regarding issues that our drunk uncles, aunts, and grandparents are most likely going to bring up while stuffing themselves full of hormone-injected turkeys during the upcoming holidays. everything from why gay marriage is acceptable to why mexicans deserve to "steal" your, yes your job.

the scenario goes something like this:

someone talking: "there are too many mexicans in (insert name of your town here). i can't believe how many there are. i really hope our next president does something about all these mexicans coming in here, and taking over our jobs."

script: "well, (insert your favorite relative's name here), when you watch or read the news concerning "illegal immigration" (make sure you use hand quotes to be extra annoyingly liberal), do they ever talk about NAFTA?"

at this point, the answer could be yes or no. but either answer merits a full explanation of what NAFTA is. so, script continues here:

"it stands for the north american free trade agreement. do you understand what that means? (remember to throw in a bit of condescension just for good measure) alright, you don't. just imagine that i have a house across the street from you. obviously, i'm younger and better looking than you are, so my house would be a lot bigger and a lot nicer. instead of going to your job everyday, you'd get to work from home. and lucky for you, i would be your employer. everyday, i get to come to your house, and depending on my mood, i'd pay you what i feel like, but you shouldn't ever expect anything more than a nickel per day. and since i'm just going to assume that you're lazy and worthless to begin with, i'm going to keep two big armed guards by your side, who will make sure that you work from 5 a.m. to 11 p.m., and they'll get to (depending on relative's gender: have their way with/torture) you whenever they feel like. when i come by to give you your daily allowance, i'm also going to eat your food, burn your clothes, take a shit on your floor...well, you get the point. and last but not least, i'm going to make sure you have a good view of me and my home, so you can see all the great food i'm eating, the sweet ass mini cooper i ride around in, and all the crazy sex parties i'm having. if you try to cross the street and enter my home, i'll make sure the cops and my vigilante neighbors shoot you down."

after you say "shoot you down," make sure you stare your relative down for at least five minutes. let them know how truly crazy you've become over the years.

No comments: