cheerful holiday banter, pt. II.

hopefully by now, you've been drinking a little bit and you're unbuckling your belt. you're sitting around and everyone's talking about how so and so is doing so well, which translates as, why aren't you making any money yet, you useless liberal bastard? after the talk dwindles down because no one really knows what your cousin (insert cousin's name here) does at (insert name of major computer software corporation), besides the fact that he makes over 50k a year, the conversation will eventually turn to who's voting for who next year.

this is actually the time to stay quiet for a little while, allowing all of your relatives to spend their time blabbing on and on about who believes in what, and what is best for america because you're about to let them know that their conversation, just like our entire democratic voting process, is a complete waste of time, unworthy of both participation and of discussion.

here's how to break it down:

someone talking: "so, what are your thoughts about (obama/hillary/mitt/rudy)?"

you: "well, all you really have to think about is voting in junior high, especially if you went to private school. not much has changed since then. did the poor kid or the kid who lost his temper in class a lot ever win? hell, no. so mike gravel, you're out. did the one black kid in class ever win? well, this is a tricky one. you know, it was cool to pretend like you were "down" (remember hand quotes) with that one black kid, trying to listen to dr. dre and saying things like, "oh, for real, for real." you said you were going to vote for the black kid because it was the right thing to do, but in the back of your mind, all you could think was, why isn't this kid in public school? so, at the last minute, you didn't vote for him. obama's out. how about the tomboy? the one girl in class who was always raising her hand, always getting the right answer, proving herself better than you both academically and physically? no? not for you? goodbye, hillary. how about that one rich asshole, the one who always brings up how your football team lost to your school's biggest rival, and how, if he were president, somehow, that will make your team win the next time? definitely a contender, rudy.

"but all in all, we know that in junior high, just as in real life, all our candidates promise things they can't really deliver because ultimately, your principal and the school board decides, no, you can't have extra long recesses, and no, we can't get rid of uniforms, and no, we're not going to dedicate a period to nap time. so no matter who wins, things will remain exactly the way they are because america's school board says so. members include:


ultrafknbd said...

If the weather is tame on Black Friday, you want to hit the trail (cycling not running) in the a.m.?

Talking about Hard Times said...

i can't. i signed up for an all day shift. i don't know what i was thinking. sorry.