end of 2007 list.

the end of the year always inspires people to make lists. that's what pitchforkmedia says, anyway. so, i've decided to make my own list. it's called: the top 18 justifications for global terror.

(sidenote: big brother, if you're watching, please note that i'm being facetious.)

justifications:

18) gilmore girls ending on worst possible note.
i respected you once. what promise, what potential you had. namedropping bands like slint and the pixies. guest stars like sonic youth and yo la tengo. i had to defend you. but suddenly, unexpectedly, alexis bledel began acting with unwarranted arrogance. i don't know what happened to your show. i really don't.

17) deal or no deal.
the genius who starred in bobby's world degrades himself by hosting a game show that includes a bunch of suitcases, a silhouette of a "banker," and a whole slew of blank-staring playthings that stand next to the suitcases the whole time. someone get them some chairs, please.

16) licensed to wed.
mandy moore, you're done. robin williams, you're obviously on crack again. jim from the office, what were you thinking.

15) anna nicole's untimely demise.
dude, who the hell cares.

14) media's coverage of anna nicole's untimely demise.
you're worthless. especially you, msnbc.

13) eagles released first full studio album in 28 years.
don henley, you were never cool.

12) only one film starring anne hathaway all year.
what the shit, anne? washed up already? the only possible explanation is that you showed the goods too soon.

11) to catch a predator.
chris hansen lectures to sexual predators like he actually wants to learn something. in reality, he's putting guys behind bars so he can dominate the market.


10) record high number of foreclosed homes in northern california.
interest only? woo-hoo!

09) sacramento bee's continual reminder of foreclosures.
what are you whining about? less stops for your paperboys equals less pay.

08) jessica alba.
can you do a good movie? just once? and no, sin city doesn't count.

07) eddie vedder featured on into the wild soundtrack.
"socieeetyyyy, socieeetyyyy."

06) presidential debates.
more candidates, fewer solutions.







05) glenn beck.
god, you're an idiot. at least bill o'reilly can annoy me, make me feel nauseous. you can't even do that. i don't know what you do.

04) craigslist flakes.
it took me all year to sell my damn bike. and when i wanted to buy a taylor big baby acoustic guitar, this jerk said i could have it for $220, and then, at the last minute, he said his friend bought it from him. a few days later, he emailed me back and asked if i was still interested. i said yes, but i thought your friend bought it? he never replied. ass-clown.

03) indignation over michael richards' stand-up routine.
come on, you would've reacted the same way.

02) the real housewives of the o.c.
are citizens of the united states really that bored and depraved that they're willing to watch m.i.l.f. porn without the sex?

01) dane cook.
all hail the uber-douche.

3 comments:

Jacob Dempsey said...

You probably had a legal contract with that guy from craigslist. Let me know if you want to write him a letter explaining your rights. I'll look up the applicable california law on contracts.

Anonymous said...

What is M.I.L.F.?

Talking about Hard Times said...

m.i.l.f. = "mother i'd like to fraternize (with)"