letter to god
on xmas eve 2007.

dear god,

i have to say, i just don't get it. there are a lot of things i don't get, and i hardly know where to begin. i'll start with the whole jesus thing, since it is his birthday. now, from what i understand, you really sent him down to fix what adam and eve did? that's what my theology teacher, mr. caslin said, anyway. but what i don't get is why did you do that, if adam and eve was just a made up story? that's what my other theology teacher, father (i forget his name - he walked around like mr. burns on the simpsons) said. so this is what i understand: jesus comes down to die for our sins (and by the way, was that really necessary? isn't that what confessionals were created for?) and to make up for the original sin, the fall of man, all that stuff. but we still live in sin, and we still have to worry about going to hell - that's what all priests say - so what's the deal?

and if you're all knowing, why did your church get such a bad rap? why didn't you send those chi-mos and rapists head on with drunk drivers, or else give them pancreatic cancer before they could do their dirty deeds? i heard you're all-knowing, but you can't see into the future. what kind of a power is that?

mr. caslin also said you're agape, or "unconditional love." so, why all the wars and poverty and shit? were we like some bad reality show you could only watch for a few hundred years, and then you had to change the channel? if that's the case, then i do understand. i can't stand watching anderson cooper report what's going on for more than five minutes. i'd turn my back on humanity, too.

you must be pretty pissed at us. what with all the global warming, environmental waste, and overconsumption. if you're pissed, though, where's the punishment? come on, what happened in sodom & gomorrah was a joke compared to what we've been up to lately. i'm not trying to invoke your wrath or anything. i just don't like surprises, so if you're waiting to drop something huge on us, please give us some sort of warning. i wouldn't like it one bit if i had to wake up to a fire and brimstone shower.

there's a lot of non-believers among us, just so you know. i straddle the fence because if there is salvation, i'd like a piece of it. this girl amy once said, if you are in everything, then aren't you also in her bmw? please don't let her get into heaven.

would you really send people to hell if they didn't believe in you? it's pretty difficult when homes keep getting foreclosed, people keep shooting each other, and artists like james blunt are striking it rich. if you're all-forgiving, then why did you make hell, and why is lucifer down there? i once heard that the only real sin that could lead to hell is if we turned our back on you. can you confirm this? also, could you send us a list of everyone in hell, so we know what we should avoid? that would be helpful. i don't like to suffer, and i really wouldn't like it if it was for an eternity.

why did you give us free will? to make things more interesting? you should've just given all of us the ability to choose good and what's right. a lot of people argue that if you did that, life would be boring. i disagree; i'd like my world candy-coated.

i once heard this story: a man walked down the street and he saw another man penniless and suffering on the sidewalk. the man looked at the bum for a while and then he went home. he said to god, why don't you do something about this poor man, god? why don't you help him? to which god replied, i sent him help. i made you.

i don't really like that story. i think you should've helped the poor man in another way. someone who has to ask all these kinds of questions about you isn't much help now, is he?


Jacob Dempsey said...

Great question on the Adam and Eve discrepancy. Instead of asking God "why", perhaps on this Christmas eve you should ask God "For" things. I'm asking God for a Wii, even though I'll probably only play it one or two times.

ultrafknbd said...

You know where I side on this one.

As the mighty Bertrand Russell said, and I paraphrase: god, if one presumes existence, would, so I'm inclined to say, respect the honest skeptic more than the blind follower. Or perhaps as Twain wrote, "If there is a God, he is a malign thug."