the scariest thing.


the scariest thing about all of this is that i could probably do nothing for the remainder of my life. i told pirg to cancel my interview. i'm purposely sabotaging myself. who wants to work a 55-60 work week anyway, even if it is for a "good cause?" i'm sick of nonprofits and their inability to do anything. i hate it when people tell me, "oh, you don't want to work there. that would be a boring job." all work is boring, stupid. i might as well just have gone to sac state, gotten a student assistant job, got my degree and sat at a computer for the rest of eternity. anyone who's out there looking for their "dream" job, or something exciting and fascinating, good luck. be on the lookout for the holy grail and unicorns and leprechauns while you're at it.

i'm not even worried about finding work anymore, or looking into grad school programs. i tell people i'm doing that, but mostly it's just to get them off my case. here's a twenty-four hour sample of what my days have actually become:

2 am - 12 pm: asleep
12 pm - 2 pm: computer, email, looking for jobs i have no interest in interviewing for
2 pm - 4 pm: guitar, reading, biking
4 pm - 5 pm: shoot sam in the face with nerf gun
5 pm - 6 pm: flipping channels, wondering when the hell reruns of seinfeld or the simpsons air
6 pm - 7 pm: watch downloaded movie (real movies only enjoyed in morning for matinee prices)
7pm - 9 pm: guitar, blogging, reading, finding things to get rid of/sell
9 pm - 11 pm: computer, email, looking to see if new jobs have been posted
11 pm - 12 pm: a daily show & colbert report
12 pm - 2 am: jam session, watch downloaded movie, music videos

in there, sometimes there's a nap, there's often something to eat, and there's a little more tv and a little more internet than i'd care to admit.

so there's a solution, right? go out, go make some friends. try a little harder at getting a job and make some money. make a living. get on your own two feet again, right? you're still young, there's plenty of time, you might say. take a shower, dress up a little bit, shave that dirty mustache for god's sake, and hit up the clubs. buy some random woman a drink. go back to school. grow up, you must be thinking, grow the fuck up. do something, do anything. stop wallowing in your self-pity, your horrible mess. volunteer. stop turning on your computer every ten minutes. stop driving you and everyone else mad with this nonsense. move away, travel. stop blaming the media, your family, your friends for what's happened to you. things could be worse, right?

thing could always be worse.

2 comments:

la lintik said...

when i look at all the bullshit this country produces, it makes me want to work even harder at being unproductive. believe me, all the assholes at their jobs(i include myself here) aren't nearly as alive and creative as you currently are. there's nothing to do except what you're currently doing. keep up the good work!

Richard said...

It's a lot better that my schedule

3am-1:30pm- Sleep

2:00pm-11:00pm-Bored out of my mind at work and wanting to jab something in my eye so I can go home early.

11pm-3pm- Trying to find myself