all our lives are fictions.

my cousin quit updating her blog because she said she didn't know what to write about. so i'm doing a second entry tonight just to prove that there's shitloads to write about. whole volumes. they don't even have to make sense. i could go on for days, but sleep is more important. like how ate once said, "the greatest part about life is being asleep." what a sad fucking thing to say. i mean, i get her point, but shit, some thoughts you're just supposed to keep to yourself. like how the rich bitch's friend tells him that he "gets lonely sometimes." we all get lonely. even when we're with someone, or when we're with other people. especially when we're around other people. and, we would all rather be sleeping than doing anything else. these are givens. you don't have to voice them.

but now i'm getting off track. the whole point was to just write about whatever comes to your head. like this one time i slept over at joseph's house, and his sister, christine, was having a sleepover with her friends, vi and katie. joseph decided he was going to put shaving cream in vi's hand while she slept, and then he would tickle her face. but he couldn't find a feather, so he just left the shaving cream there. vi woke up the next morning with shaving cream all over her hair and all over the bed. she was mad pissed. joseph and i weren't laughing. we were more scared for our lives. good thing we didn't fuck with katie.

and then there was that time i tried to do a magic trick for my cousins. i just read about it in a magic book. you were supposed to put a paper towel over a cup, and then slide the cup over the edge of the table and into your lap so that the paper towel would make it look like it was still there, and then you would slam your hand down on the paper towel to show your audience that the cup had disappeared. but i was six, maybe seven. i used a nice glass from my mom's nice collection of glasses. and when i dropped the glass onto my lap, it rolled onto the floor and crashed.

there was a guy at work who said, "every experience is an experience." i like the line in no country for old men when tommy lee jones' character says, "it is true that it's a story."

i read a bunch of other blogs. they were kind of boring. a lot of people wrote so sequentially. this happened, then that happened. i went here, and i did this.

i want you to know that you're crazy. that i'm crazy. that the craziest thing of all is to pretend like we're not crazy.

like how, in college, when walking through the quad, i always wanted to just fall down into the water that was in the center of the quad. i just wanted to fall, face-first, down into the shallow water.

or how, when watching this one woman read at a bookstore downtown, i was so bored that i wanted to just fall out of my seat, and hope that i would keep falling.

it's like dave eggers when he just wrote, "FUCK! FUCKING SHIT! MOTHERFUCKER!" or maybe that was someone else...

it's like this: "i think the u.s. is one of the most wasteful societies ever created." and alternately, "i think the u.s. is one of the most resourceful societies ever created."

all those debates in school that made us think there was a right and a wrong. people voted, didn't they? people fucking voted. and the most clear, articulate, reasonable candidate got the job done.

we're in a state of emergency here.

it's like cindy who sometimes starts off her sentences with, "it's like..."

and then there's this issue of all these people, all these poor, unhappy, miserable souls that don't know who they are, and so they do things - things that aren't human, yet not necessarily inhumane - all of the time.

and i know what i'm talking about. and i don't know what i'm talking about. hard times or not, i will still be talking.

"open your mouth, you are lost. close your mouth you are lost."

don't tell me these things. i'm lost enough already.

and then there was supposed to be this stupid long, fucking entry that kept me awake for at least a good half an hour - it takes me a long time to fall asleep, especially if i'm thinking about something. it was supposed to go:

i am ignatius j. reilly, educated and stubborn.
i am mary grace, silently judging the self-righteous, throwing the book.
i am mrs. turpin, looking down upon others, getting the book thrown at my head.
i am francie nolan, desperately hoping, dreaming of a better life.
i am johnny nolan, a pipe dreamer, who will never accomplish what i set out to do.
i am katie nolan, hard working and thrifty.
i am neely nolan, street-smart and trying to survive.
i am professor tripp, trying to be somebody once again.
i am james lear, wonder boy.
i am winston smith, ready to sell out everything i love in the name of fear.
i am charlie, standing on the fringes of life.
i am holden caulfield, unable to relate to those around me.
i am franny, on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
i am dante the pilgrim, lost in the dark wood.

and, of course, there were supposed to be more. like moll flanders, tom jones, all these characters i could relate to. the ones who seemed more real to me than most people i've ever known.

and there was this line i had that i wanted to use in a story, a film, but who knows when those things will ever get done. for now, it'll have to sit here, in this depository: "maybe i should take an aspirin. maybe i should take all the aspirins."

and then this line created lyrics: "and all the aspirin in this world couldn't cure this headache that you've been giving me/'cause i don't want your love/i just want your pity."

what am i supposed to do with all these half-written songs? all these journals piling up? all these stories saved onto my computer? all these blog entries? what am i supposed to make of it?

i'm this kid, and i've got all these goddamn legos. i'm drowning in them. and i see this stupid picture of this giant castle, you know, the picture that came with all the legos - of what the end result could look like - and i'm just putting each lego into my mouth. i'm not even connecting the goddamn legos. i look around, and people are just throwing more legos into the pile. and some asshole is even making a joke: "leggo my legos!" and pretty soon it's just raining legos.

it's just coming down. it's all coming down, coming down like crazy. can you see it?

can you fucking see it?

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