i always forget what the e.m.p. in seattle stands for. it's the experience music project, i think.

while using the restroom at toys 'r us today, i saw someone had written the acronym "e.m.p." above the acronym, someone had written: "electra magnetic pulse." and underneath it, someone else had written: "eat more pussy."

i don't mind public restrooms as much i used to. before, i couldn't go anywhere that wasn't my own. now, i don't mind them so much. i like checkered tiles, high seats and extra space. large mirrors with warm overhead lights. foam soap is a plus, and lotion (even though i never use it) makes it classy. an attendant is unnecessary, but definitely doesn't hurt. i need an extra good lock on the door, too. any kind of carpeting in the restroom is a huge turnoff. especially those carpets that cover the toilet seat. what kind of an invention is that? i really hate those toilet seats that are plastic and cushioned. when that cushion rips, it's all over. just go with good old fashioned porcelain, please. meagan and rachel had a wooden seat. i wanted to replace it.

the worst restroom i ever used was at linda's bar in seattle on my 21st birthday.

another bad experience was in the philippines at the mega mall. they had no toilet paper, so i had to use some pesos my dad gave me. i cried on the car ride home, and i pictured all these filipinos walking around with mud butt. "what are people supposed to do here?" i pleaded. "i don't know," my dad said, "maybe they bring their own napkins or something."

and now, the top five most pleasant restroom experiences i've ever had:

5) seattle university, bookstore bathroom. i was walking through the cold for the longest time, and i had to urinate. i made it to the urinal, and i unloaded. i lifted my head with such sweet relief, and found that the overhead lights emitted heat. extra bonus score.

4) personal bathroom. after a week of basketball camp at sly park, i was ready for the comforts of my own restroom. i didn't use the restroom all week, since i never had to go. i urinated, but i refused to sit down on a seat that i had to share with a dozen other boys. finally home, i was king of the castle once again.

3) nordstrom's, fifth avenue (?), seattle. i was at some concert with toby and tiffany. i think it was the blood brothers. suddenly, i wasn't feeling so good. i think i had nachos earlier that day. i took one look at the restroom at the vera project, and i said to myself, "no fucking way." i told my buddies i'd be back, and i was...half an hour later.

2) bimbo's club, san francisco, march 2003. this was a love/hate experience. i was standing at the very front of the stage with rich and keith. mogwai was going to come on at any second. suddenly, it hit me. fucking nachos again, i think. i tried my best to hold it, but when that fucking sound guy came on stage for the fourth time to tune stuart's guitar, i said enough was enough. keith and rich looked really disappointed. there's nothing i can do, i told myself. still, it was the greatest experience because i could hear the opening guitar riff to "hunted by a freak," as i did my business.

1) parent's bathroom. i ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich while sitting on the can. i was four. my dad opened the door. "what are you doing?" he said. "i'm eating a sandwich," i told him. "you're sick," he said, and he closed the door.

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