it's not all bad.

"it's not all bad" are the last words spoken by danny glover's character in the film grand canyon. this phrase pretty much sums up the whole film. running at about two and one quarter hours, the film had its moments. but mostly it felt like it could've used a lot more editing - especially the five minute dream sequences. christ.

self-deprecating sidenote (inserted after forrest whittaker entry): but i'm not really in any position to tell someone to edit his meandering stories.

a good part is when kevin kline and danny glover's characters talk about how insignificant we all are in the grand scheme of things. but of course, we're doomed to think that we're important.

i've been re-reading tony demello's awareness. he says that enlightenment is when you realize that you're no better than anybody. he also says that readers should criticize everything he says.

once, i thought peter singer's concept of speciesism was a real thing. i even scolded some girls about it. while i don't agree with mass production and slaughter of animals, i'll still have a honey mustard chicken sandwich from quiznos. so long as my aunt is treating.

we're taught to believe things, but to be critical of them. it's like that one assignment from dr. brown's class in philosophy 110 when he made us write a one-pager on some bumper sticker he saw that read: "question authority!" was the message a paradox? when someone tells us to question authority, are we supposed to do it?

when i think of people now, especially children, i think about matt groening's drawings of rabbits. wide-eyed, naive yet adventurous beings we are. i think about people getting hopeful about something, and then, as time goes on, they learn that things don't work out they way they initially expected them to. the miracle is that we keep on hoping.

i think about man's search for meaning, and how victor frankl reminds us that we're all connected in our ability to suffer. it's that thought that makes me feel lucid.

no one really knows what he's doing. some people watch tv after work; others fix up their house on weekends. they try to join sporting leagues, or they take up a hobby, learn the oboe.

on tv, i watch a basketball game. tuning in at all is a mystery. fact is, i'm going to see the same thing i've seen hundreds of times: ten men on the court, forty-eight minutes of play. usually, i can already tell who's going to win before it even begins (not the kings - not this season, anyway). maybe it's for nostalgic reasons; maybe it's because there's simply nothing else on. still, i watch. there's a small chance something new, something different and amazing will happen.

this is what we wait for.

earlier, there were a bunch of kids standing on the rooftop across the street. it was the last day of the air show. i spent it at the rosemont house again, scraping the ceiling, putting down plastic, and pulling out base boards. randy found two dead rats in the attic. anne would say things like, "well, my folks, that's how you put up a kitchen wall," and "claire's room was the best. it had so much sunlight." another time, while taking a break, out of the blue, she asked me, "have your parents talked to you about what's going to happen when they die?" gina looked at me, as if death were a new concept she'd never heard of.

it's moments like this where i have no idea what people are thinking. i didn't know whether to laugh, or to inform her that the chance of them going together, leaving me like one of the salingers on party of five was highly unlikely. and then i thought about telling her what my dad said to a religious person who approached him at raley's and asked him if he knew where he was going to go when he dies. he said, "first, i'll probably go to the hospital, then the funeral home, and finally, i'll be in a box."

what are people thinking? we're so capable of random thoughts, bizarre questions, and awkward icebreakers. i could tell someone about the random oyster shell i found in the base of a tree, and i wondered if the wind, an animal, or my cousin had put it there.

even this, just putting english on a webpage, trying to communicate something (but unsure of the message) is amazing. believe me when i say it's amazing. i might not feel that way tomorrow.

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