proud to be an unemployed american.

i was going to start the entry off with, "didn't do shit today," but i think i've exhausted that one. i thought about going to the library to pick up a graphic novel called american born chinese, and i thought about doing some yard work, but i didn't do either. i don't really know what i did. i don't know where the time goes. i can't seem to find anything to be passionate about. i think this one time i was playing music with my cousin sums it up best.

we (well, mostly me) were disappointed with not sounding right, or else that our songs were too simple, or whatever, and so we (again, mostly me) over-analyzed what we were doing wrong: "we should've been listening to classical music, and learning how to read music a long time ago," he said. or else it was, "maybe it's because of where we grew up. think about it. if you got to grow up in scotland or iceland, some place exotic, you'd be playing something completely different."

i don't really know where i'm going with this. i've just grown accustomed to playing the "what if..." game, or wishing that i had been passionate about something other than music and writing, both of which i never really give myself credit for doing, and both of which i'm completely certain will never be my "calling." every time i see someone who's good at something - music, poetry, art, whatever - i always hear the same thing: "i've been doing this since i was five." what about the rest of us? we went to school and learned to exchange our dreams and goals for "good citizenship" awards. sit still for eight hours, don't talk, and you'll do well. the ultimate dream killer. but there i go again, blaming circumstances and resenting the past for my self-imposed inability to do anything well.

i envied those kids (okay, let's face it, they were girls) in college who grew up without tv's. the ones who at least appeared to act like they knew what they were doing. even if they weren't that bright, and didn't even do very well in their classes, they could at least pretend like they had self-confidence, like they knew what it took to succeed in this world. i think, though, that you had to be slightly insane to go around thinking terms like "surrealism" and "post-modernism" meant anything at all.

i don't know where i'm supposed to find creativity or inspiration. i've forgotten how to become passionate about anything. my whole life people told me the importance of going to college and getting a solid education, but nobody ever talked about what was supposed to happen after that. i feel like i need my high school guidance counselor, mr. seishas, now more than ever, even as unhelpful as he was.

after my first year of americorps in seattle, i visited the career center at the university. the woman there didn't tell me much, since i already had plans to do a second year of americorps. i told her that the first year was upsetting and that i was actually kind of hesitant about doing a second year. she said, "yeah, the first job right out of college is usually a desk job. not very exciting." and she left it at that. i'm guessing she probably hasn't found her calling yet, either.

i know a girl who has a degree in engineering and makes a lot of money working for an engineering firm, but she's not too happy about it. i know another girl who doesn't think graduate school is necessary, but she doesn't work full-time, and she doesn't have benefits. i know a girl who's in graduate school, but says that she only enjoys parts of it. i know a lot of people who thought their americorps service was a total waste of their time. i know a guy who went to community college, and he doesn't think his job is all that great. i know a lot of people who went to school because they didn't know what else to do. i don't think i know anyone who enjoys what he's doing.

does anyone ever win?

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