too much chaos.


"think of the loneliness that is yours. would human company ever take it away? it will only serve as a distraction. there's an emptiness inside, isn't there? and when the emptiness surfaces, what do you do? you run away, turn on the television, turn on the radio, read a book, search for human company, seek entertainment, seek distraction. everybody does that. it's big business nowadays, an organized industry to distract us and entertain us." - anthony de mello, awareness.

i distracted myself from the void with a three day trip to the bay area with my cousin. our mission: to see explosions in the sky three nights in a row. i would recount everything, but my memories work like a compost heap. some pieces turn into rich soil, while others are devoured, or else rot, disappear completely.

before the first show in santa cruz, we met up with aimee at the thai restaurant sabieng. she was with her new boyfriend, david (pronounced 'dah-veed'). he was small, thin, bespectacled, quiet and soft spoken. a good guy overall. i asked him where he worked. "i'm a t.a. at santa cruz." "oh, what are you studying?" i asked. "education." "oh," i said, "are you getting your master's and credential?" "i'm actually getting my ph.d," he humbly declared.

"what are you doing now?" aimee asked me. "nothing," i said. she looked surprised. even i was shocked how bluntly i put it. it felt like i had outed myself, impostor that i am. what happened to all that talk about social justice? what about all those rants about battling corporate america, helping the poor and disadvantaged? i talked the talk, but i didn't walk the walk. i might as well have announced how, at this point in my life, i want nothing more than kristy lee cook to go all the way.

i ordered the duck. "i never really liked duck," rich declared. "the texture is just so strange. kind of chewy." aimee and david agreed. i ate my duck anyway.

earlier that day, rich and i discovered a record store in santa cruz, one i had never seen the entire year that i lived in the area. "how long have you guys been here?" he asked the clerk. "about three years," the clerk answered.

the santa cruz audience was very...young. one kid was talking about how he hoped the show would be like "that one twisted sister video. you know, the one where the dad is telling the kid, 'what do you wanna do with your life?' and the kid says, 'i wanna rock!' (the kid strums downward on his air guitar) and then the dad gets blown out the window." the kids he was with obviously had no idea what he was talking about. they just nodded silently. why are we with such a spazoid?

another asian kid next to me was talking to his friend. "i was in san francisco a few weeks ago for a minus the bear show. you know minus the bear, right? yeah, well anyway, it was a great show. except, you know what i hate about san francisco shows? all the dudes there just do this (he slowly rocks his head back and forth). it's so lame," he said. during the concert, this asian kid rocked his head back and forth slowly, as did i.

after the show, we met rachel at zelda's. she told us about her thailand trip for about ten minutes. how some guy had taken her and her friends to some remote island and they all camped there and got drunk. i could see rachel on this island, bright-eyed and ready to accept whatever life would throw her way.

i can't really recount anymore of the trip. i'm not enjoying writing about it.

i just wanted to add some thoughts that came to me tonight. what is with some people? what do they do? what are they dreaming about? what do they expect things to be?

it's late, and i don't know what i'm asking. i just want everyone to be alright.

but not everyone's alright. and knowing that, sometimes, makes me uneasy.

1 comment:

claire said...

oh, please, tell me you jest about Kristy Lee Cook. I can handle one butchering of a Beatle's song ala weird, potentially-medicated Brooke White, but two weeks in a row is unforgivable. Also, why do all of KLC's pants have so many holes in them?