don't carry it all.

i wasn't going to blog tonight, but well, what else was i going to do? i had dinner at my aunt's house. my two aunts and my aunts' cousin, bing, sat around the dining table, discussing their plans for retirement. "i just want a little shack in hawaii on the beach," my aunt said. "but it'll be a few more years before that can happen." "hennessey (her husband) wants to retire in the philippines," my other aunt said. "that would be nice," bing replied. "do you want to retire there, too?" "oh, of course," my aunt said. i couldn't help but wonder why they don't just do these things now. the same goes for my mom, who says she has to work until she's 65 before she can retire.

really, what's the big deal? you get less money from your retirement fund, but at the same time, your days are numbered. and if the funds do run out, why not just take something with less pay? is it any more glamorous than rotting in a cubicle and counting down the days until you can officially retire? if you want to "retire" in a shack somewhere, or live in a different country, why not do it now? perhaps the facade of security holds people back. but i'm talking like i know something. i don't know anything. all i know is that i'm fucked now, so why would things be any different fifty years from now?

i obviously didn't say any of this aloud. this is the whole reason for keeping a blog. i can't participate in most conversations without sounding like a total fool or impractical idealist. so i type and i type, hoping for epiphanies, hoping for comments, hoping that someone else can relate to feeling utterly lost and alone in this world. feeling this way, i've decided to start walking everywhere. walking allows me to find spare change on the ground, and to contemplate things like why are there so many homes, but never any people?

i walked home in the dark. i suppose i'm looking for trouble by doing this. i've heard all the stories about people getting beaten and robbed and severed to tiny pieces by the likes of ted bundy and jeffrey dahmer. but then i think to myself, these are the suburbs. and didn't people move to the suburbs for the sole purpose of avoiding such violent, horrific things? what is the point of living in suburbia if you're unwilling or afraid to walk around alone at night in your very own middle class neighborhood? elliott smith would walk around the streets of portland and los angeles, and he said that he would come up with songs whenever he did this.

i love the streets at night. there are hardly any cars, and nobody in sight. the air is cooler, fresher, and the moon shines brightly. the light at the crosswalk changes for you almost immediately. and it feels like you're getting a workout, even if you really aren't. most importantly, it feels like the whole world belongs to you, was created just for you. flushed from your walk, you can briefly convince yourself that it's true.

1 comment:

Naomi said...

I want comments on my blog, so I figured I ought to comment on other people's blog. I also love walking at night. I think you can walk ten times as far at not feel it at all. And it does feel like it's your world, made for you. And I think it's supposed to be, you know? It's just that its really hard to find something worthwhile, and to pick a direction and go with it and say screw the consequences and failure, and what people think. Especially with so much shit going on. I'm kind of relishing this whole bank failure thing. Obviously I think it's awful for all of these people to be losing their homes because of banks and investors obsession with the almighty dollar (not to mention all the pets displaced and getting euthanized). I think it's even worse that the govt is bailing these companies out (with taxpayer money), by giving them money and credit and discounted borrowing rates. If they want to keep these companies afloat then they should be giving money to the homeowners to pay their mortgages or refinance, then people have their homes and the banks are getting money in. Instead of the banks getting all of the largely unsellable property to keep, and getting the govt money too.
BUt I relish seeing the lines of people waiting outside of IndyMac to withdraw their savings. And apparently if you've got more than the FDIC insured $100,000 you might only get 50 cents on the dollar. This is the 5th bank inas many months to fail, and with the Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae bailout, shit looks bad. Analysts estimate 150 or more banks will fold within the next year. We may be heading towards a defunct society quicker than one might think. A job might be a moot point here in a couple of years. Be happy.