the best you ever played it.

"i'm calling to say that we've chosen someone else for the position. thanks for your interest, though. you scored very well on the test and had very good interviews. it was a tough decision to make." bullshit. how did i already know then the moment i heard they were really excited about another candidate, that the deal was dead? how did i know that i should have just blown off my second interview, or else should have walked out when i saw their bored faces as i tried to build up my past experiences? i even lied, goddamnit. i've never made a cold call in my life.

"how do you look when you're interviewing?" a friend asked me. "what do you mean?" "are you smiling? are you enthusiastic?" "probably not," i said. another friend said, "you've probably been to enough of these interviews that they don't even phase you anymore, am i right?" "yeah, i've been to a lot of them," i said. the thing is, i don't think i'm doing anything wrong. there probably are just more qualified and articulate people out there. applicants who actually believe their previous work experience and education meant something. applicants who don't mind a little competition. it's okay that i've got this job. it just means some other asshole has to go around and write up another cover letter and alter his resume to make it fit the description.

i didn't take the news very well. i've been doing this for a year. it's become clockwork. internet search. wait around. days, months even. sometimes there's no call. sometimes it's just an automated rejection email or letter sent to my address. but sometimes, there's the call. then it's belt and tie. think about questions. think about responses. drive. think, could i make this drive everyday for the rest of my life? find parking. occasionally pay for parking. wait around. "hello, my name is..." and "nice to meet you." shake hands. smiles stop. now it's serious, professional faces. expectations for me to sound like i want this, i own this. and then it's blah. blah. fucking blah. rise up. shake hands. "good meeting you." "when will i hear?" "soon. very soon." wait around. days, months even. "we're calling to say that we've chosen someone else..."

and here i am. when that most recent awful cycle finished, i went back to sleep on the couch. then i tried to watch snakes on a plane, but john's disc skipped in the middle, so i couldn't find out whether or not the plane landed. i'll assume that it did. then i thought about the documentary the devil and daniel johnston, and how daniel was madly obsessed with this girl named laurie. it was unrequited love, and when laurie gets married to someone else, daniel is slightly happy because it allows him to live in this fantasy world where he can just keep dreaming about something he can never have. maybe that's me, reveling in the despair of never being able to find my true calling.

it sure as hell beats a souless 9 to 5.

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