my spreadsheet is better than your orgasm.

for a while now, zumies has been selling these hideous sweatshirts that seem to be all the rage with the youngsters these days. they are hooded sweatshirts and they are always very colorful with, in my opinion, really ugly designs. they are so outrageous, though, that i secretly want one, preferably one that is entirely obvious. something with like dollar signs and marijuana leaves. you know the drill. i guess, though, that it wouldn't make sense to wear one, since i'm still a young looking asian. strangers who saw me wearing one would only think i'm just another dumb hip-hop kid who gets off the bus at jackson and 12th. for it to work as a halloween costume, i'd have to go to some uptight capitol hill party where people would "get" what i was trying to "do." that's my problem; my sense of humor is too elitist.

i still don't have a "look" though, and i hate to admit, but that kind of bothers me. i used to have a look. it involved track jackets and cardigans, skater shoes, a crooked hat, and striped polo shirts. but now i've outgrown that look and i've got nothing but the same five dress shirts i wear to work. there isn't much selection for guys when it comes to fashion. that's why the assholes at project runway never make clothes for dudes. that's why stores like ross only have 1/20th of the store devoted to men. i always thought that was unfair, but i guess it's kind of unmanly to complain about such things.

i used to go to thrift stores a lot, and i used to like it a lot. but everything now just kind of looks the same. i always come across faded xxl polo shirts and t-shirts that say 1999 seattle breast cancer awareness walk. anything in my size that looks actually wearable, they jack up the price to around $17.99. $17.99 for a used shirt. that's right. that's how they roll in the big city. give me a fucking break. because of such outrageous dealings, i find it entirely appropriate to join the rest of yuppified humanity and buy clothes new. i guess if i was really dedicated to fighting the system and buying recycled, i'd spend more time sifting through the crap, but i just don't know how much fight i have left in me.

yesterday, i had a long phone conversation with a friend from high school, the only person from high school i still keep in contact with. so far, we've had fairly similar experiences, and it was good catching up. we are restless and in debt. we are grateful for our education and the chance to get away because we have seen so many others develop this "stuck" mindset, and refuse to do anything about it. we still don't know what we want in life, and we are getting a little anxious that those around us are buying houses, getting married, and figuring things out at seemingly faster rates than we have been. we just don't want to get left behind.

"i used to think," emily told me, "that with some people, we'd be best friends forever." she went on to say that she used to envision getting older and being really close to the friends she had growing up, so close that their kids would eventually play together. i assumed she meant that whole thing where women congregate in the park with their strollers on sunday mornings. i never had that thought. it's a shit thing to say, but i guess i always knew once graduation rolled around, i was never going to talk to, much less see, any of these people ever again. i think the worst part is, the thought didn't even sadden me. joseph put it best when, after our eighth grade graduation ceremony and sentimental slideshow, he confided in me: "yeah. i was about to cry. but then i realized, what am i thinking? i hate these people!"

so, what's a friend, a real friend, supposed to be? someone who's just around and available to hang out at the drop of a hat? someone who can drive you to the airport and be a reliable pickup? the hardest thing, i think, about having to be a social being, or being in a relationship, is finding that fine balance between being needy and playing it cool. if i were to find someone my age and say, "hey you. be my friend," i would be a total creep and it would be over. if a guy walks up to a girl and says something like, "are you tired? you've been running around my mind all day," it'd be over. those two aren't getting together. guess that my problem is i've never been one for wanting to take things slow. i feel like i've already been waiting for fucking ever.

why don't we all just go around, blowing our loads at the drop of a hat?

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