standing in the back, looking around.

yeah, i'm twenty-five now, and i still take to heart what a washed up band like jimmy eat world has to say. i listened to bleed american on the bus this morning, and i was thinking about how that record meant something to me at one point. especially the song, "a praise chorus," since i'm the kind of person who's always standing in the back, looking around, and spending all my time wondering how i've grown up and how i missed out. what an awful feeling. by the time the track "hear you me" came on, i was on the verge of just breaking down in front of all the passengers in the back. i just remembered how i once was an open, sensitive, and hopeful person. and now, there's just nothing to me, nothing at all.

this morning, i received a slight reprimand for not immediately informing one of my supervisors that her appointment was here. it set me in a really foul mood. i didn't tell her because she was still in a meeting, and i thought that her meeting was important. and i don't know why she was annoyed, either, since she still took her sweet time coming out to get the student. i feel highly unstable, though. i feel that just something small like that can set me off, make me quit on the spot, break my lease, and just dump the few things i own. dramatic? yeah. honest? yeah. there are a lot of things i repress, though, and i'm afraid to see how they will choose to manifest themselves one day. so far, they are harmless paragraphs.

now i'm doing something real stupid. i'm trying to propose a new time for some pointless meeting because one person (out of thirty) can't make it. but she's really adamant about being there. as if this meeting is going to matter in the grand scheme of things. sometimes i wish i had the guts to just keep living at home, and not have to feel bad about it. living in the city hasn't changed anything. i still spend most friday nights alone watching the daily show and eating garden burgers. i still have no desire to go to the bar and order a red hook or else a hefeweizen. i'd rather play music myself than pay to see someone else do it better. i'm not meeting girls or making friends, and i don't even feel the need to try and do such things anymore.

this is nothing more than punishment for indecision, for giving a damn.

1 comment:

Naomi said...

Your post from the folowing day, "i don't check the weather" really depressed me. I'm not changing cat litter and throwing away dryer sheets. I don't want that to be me. ever.
This post I really connected with, though. Your bit about how the smalles thing could just set you off anf get you to dump everything, that's pretty much exactly how I'd been feeling for the past 2 years. Even when I was pregnant. I still feel that way sometimes, but now I have a baby and even less money than before. Actually, that's not true. I have a little money. In fact, I was feeling that way so strongly that I started having these dreams almost every other night where I was indescribably upset and angry and screaming at someone.
I don't have those dreams anymore, now that I only have myself to be pissd off at. It's no one else's fault I am back living at home, now with my ex-boyfriend/ current partner/ baby daddy, who every day I look for an excuse to leave. I'm trying to make it through the holidays on good terms, but what's the point? It's not like it will be any eaier then. But I've promised myself my New Year's resolution will be to be honest about it, and say what I want.
Also, I discovered a strange hitherto unfelt desire the other day - the desire to actually have a real career. I never really cared about that before, but suddenly I want a career, and the money , benefits and societal and self respect that come with it