is this gonna be on the test?

i've never had any shame in admitting that seattle u was the school i got into. i probably should've been ashamed, but i didn't really give a shit. after i got my first c in advanced geometry my freshman year, i gave up. i couldn't have a perfect record, so why try. i probably shouldn't have given in so easily, so early, but i did, and that pretty much sealed the deal. every day after school, i'd just go home and sleep. i kept hearing that no matter what you did, no matter how bad it got, there was always an out. if you hit bottom, all you had to do was get your g.e.d. if you didn't get accepted anywhere, you'd just go to community college for two years, then transfer to whatever school got you most wet.

so i didn't try. the mantra on test days (sat included) was, "if you don't know it by now, you never will." thanks to that, there are a lot of things i will never know. instead of prepping for the sat (it honestly never even occurred to me once that i should study beforehand), i smoked out with my friends in their cars. instead of researching schools, i researched boobies. and so on. you get a pretty clear picture of where my priorities were. there's always an easy out, right? when my sat scores came back at a disappointing 1060, i was devastated. i thought i was smart, and smart wasn't something you were supposed to work for. there must've been some kind of mistake. i took it again, and scored lower the second time. christ, i wasn't smart after all.

recently, my mom told me about my cousin's ambitions to attend an ivy league school on the east coast. "it's funny," i said, "we all thought those things were possible at her age." "even you?" she asked. it was kind of an underhanded remark. i took it as something akin to, when the fuck did you ever have any ambition or goals? "yeah," i said, "like in seventh or eighth grade, i guess." i thought i should bring the point home. "but then i got to high school and realized i wasn't so smart. and then i got to college, and i realized i wasn't so special." my dad laughed at this, as if he were proud that i had finally unlocked some great mystery of the universe. the freedom and enlightenment that comes with being average, recognizing you are ordinary. still, i wouldn't dare to try and stop my cousin, or anyone for that matter, from dreaming big dreams. otherwise, she might just end up sleeping everyday after school.

anyway, the whole point of writing this was to say that s.u. was the only school that accepted me. and i've already said this before. what i didn't know, though, is that a couple of my friends have only been accepted to one college as well. how does admissions decide then, who gets into what school? who gets scholarships and who doesn't? i just don't get it. if a) loyola marymount university rejects me, and b) santa clara university rejects me, why does c) seattle university take me in? toby answered, maybe they needed the money more than the others. but all schools need money. especially jesuit schools, and all three were jesuit schools.

my conclusion is that their decision (and the decision of the other schools that thought i wasn't good enough for them) was completely arbitrary. rejection and acceptance have nothing to do with anything. maybe those who studied harder have already figured this out. but to me it's kind of a big deal. my whole life was altered because some random asshole arbitrarily decided to send me the big envelope instead of the little one. maybe he just had a good lunch that day, a b.l.t. perhaps, and he was feeling rather generous. i had no extra curriculurs, a weak gpa, and inadequate sat scores. what does that mean? that seattle u is a bad school? i performed really well while at s.u., but does this just mean that they've dumbed things down, lowered their standards?

am i educated, or am i still just taking the easy way out? if i don't know it by now, i'll never know.

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