i am so boring here in the office.

jam and i have been emailing back and forth. it's probably a little creepy, but i still think about how she could've been my sister. it might be better this way, to think that i would've wanted a sibling, than to actually have had one. she wrote to tell me that she is bored at work, and that she has been reading the twilight series. she is on book 4, she says. what a coincidence! i, too, am bored at work. i, too, love to read, though i normally tend to stay away from sci-fi and fantasy. my own life, i think, is science fiction enough.

for the first time today, i am wearing a v-neck green sweater that meagan gave me three years ago. i feel comfortable wearing it now that i am fatter and have a white dress shirt to wear underneath it. it is a preppy, nerdy kind of look, but i am comfortable in my attempt to pull it off. i forgot my dress shoes at home, so i've been wearing a pair of pumas my dad bought for me in the philippines. i will wear them until someone says something about my unruly appearance.

this morning, i joined a conference call for the advocate resource center. my boss recommended that i join the call, but she didn't say why. i had no idea what they were talking about. they basically navigated me through their website and i lost interest after about fifteen seconds. still, i hung on the line because then i could at least pretend like i was doing something worthwhile for an hour and a half. what a life, time spent pretending.

i am going to meet my co-worker for lunch. she wants to hear all about the philippines. what will i say? i don't like working here anymore. i don't like living here anymore. i want everyday to be a nonstop drunken party where everything is paid for. i want sex and fireworks and to drive 100 mph on the other side of the road. i want to be spiraling, hurdling out of control on the verge of a perfect obliteration because that's how i've been feeling ever since my year of sleep and hopelessness.

yesterday, after i got off work, i walked to qfc to buy some groceries. the street was so quiet i could hear my footsteps. i once had this thought that no one would bother talking to me, unless he or she needed some change. sometimes, a stranger will ask me, "has the 49 come by yet?" he is asking whether or not the bus has already passed, and even though the bus will come again, he asks because he wants to know whether or not he will have to wait a long time. sometimes, i do this, too. what a silly thing to ask, to wonder if we will have to wait longer than we think we will have to wait for a bus. waiting is waiting, ain't no way around it.

gone was the sound of horns honking, kids playing, sellers selling. "bulat!" "hello, sir. hello, ma'am." in my head, i see this woman in her winter coat, and she's taking her daughter out to the park in the middle of winter so the girl can swing on a swing. it's all very safe, very civilized; the girl's even got one of those knitted hats where the flaps come down over her ears. she will be watched. she will be cared for and educated, until she is old enough, wise enough to make her own decisions. most likely, she will not whore, and she will not beg.

and then i see these kids, half-naked, running through the streets, all smiles and not a care in the world if they get hit by a car or not. somehow, they discovered that losing was acceptable, as long as the game had its moments.

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