how is your bathroom coming along?

yesterday was spring cleaning day at the office. i threw out a bunch of old papers in our filing cabinets. some of those papers might have been important, but since no one has bothered to check all year, i figured that they couldn't have been that important. i could probably throw everything away and delete every email in my account, but it wouldn't matter. the people i work with would just be like, "didn't you get that email i sent you?" and then they would forward me the most "important" emails.

i shouldn't have cared so much about finding work. i shouldn't have cared so much about being twenty-five and feeling like it was either do something, even if it's something meaningless, or else feel like a failure. the only person who really cared that i wasn't working was myself. i beat myself up over it, even though it really wasn't that big of a deal. sometimes, my mom would say, "when are you going to do something?" and sometimes, my friend would say, "i'm just afraid you're missing out on a lot." strangely, my dad seemed to be the only "supportive" one. even six, seven months into unemployment, he would still tell me, "just think of it as vacation." i think he was really glad to have me home.

at the spring luncheon yesterday, i sat at the table with my office mates. i never branch out and try to sit with, or talk to, the people from alumni, the registrar, or i.t. maybe this is abnormal, but even just sitting with my office mates was enough of a struggle. it's not that they are painful to listen to, it's more that i feel i don't belong. after all, the majority of the people who work here are white women. stacey was talking about how she and her husband are in the process of working on their bathroom. i nodded and smiled when everyone else laughed, but mostly, i just ate and kept to myself.

why was it such a bad thing having endless days with nothing ever on the schedule? was it feeling like a mooch? was it feelings of stagnancy, inadequacy, and complacency, while the rest of the world was seemingly moving forward? why does every college graduate in america continue to think that higher education is the only answer? it's gotten to the point where people might as well tell me that if i don't go to graduate school, i will end up living in a cardboard box and eating noodles for the rest of my life.

i'd like to be able to stop feeling like i don't belong, that this isn't good enough. why can't i just eat a bagel with cream cheese and talk about my first-round picks with the director? what stops me? feeling like i'm too smart for my job? the color of my skin? social anxiety disorder? feelings of mediocrity? being stuck? i'd sincerely like to hear how your bathroom is coming along. does that make me a sell-out? am i being phony?

a few weeks ago, i read a postsecret that had the line, "i don't want to be like holden caulfield anymore." it really got me thinking.

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