this is not forever.


there's the 7:00 alarm. then there's hitting snooze three times, four if lunch is already made. it is birth, pulling the comforter off, but it's not the comforter that keeps everything warm, no, it is the body. there's the shower, always waiting for things to get warmer, and some days take longer than others. there's shampoo and a lack of conditioner. remember to buy conditioner. there's green soap, irish spring (worst), with the previous sliver stacked on top. there's the washing away of invisible germs and the constant need to feel clean. then there's off with the water. haven't you used enough already? it is birth, stepping out of a warm shower into the cold bathroom.

there is breakfast. the cold bowl with the cold milk (soy) and the sugared flakes that are supposedly organic, but what does that mean exactly. there is a clean spoon that scoops up the cereal with milk, and there is the cold floor underneath the slippers. there is changing of the clothes. an old vintage elton john shirt traded for a plain navy, brown, or black shirt and then a dress shirt on top. sweater and pants and belt, anything considered "professional," but really, nobody is there to enforce the rules. it is all done out of habit.

there is timing things perfectly, arriving at the bus stop just as the bus arrives. there is the driver. sometimes, it's "good morning," other times, "hello." sometimes nothing at all. there is walking to the back, all the way to the back, where it is less likely that the man will have to give his seat up to the woman. there is the usual group of people back there, bags and mp3 players in hand. the two bi-racial girls who are classmates and talk about things.

there is getting off at the right stop, usually a last second ordeal. should i really get off? what would happen if i didn't? there is walking down the hill, down the cobblestone path between the engineering building and the library. there are students studying in the windows of the law building. there is the blue handicapped button that opens the doors automatically. there is immediate warmth and the sidebar's aroma. there are steps leading to the office. there are more students, black chairs occupied by early birds.

there is "good morning" greets "good morning," and little else. there is not much else to say at 8:30 a.m. there is the on button to the computer. there is email. there is checking cracked, facebook, failblog, blogspot, twitter, pitchfork, cnn, npr, bank statement (have i overdrawn?), anything new. anything new at all? there is tragedy and comedy and news and updates and brief messages from friends. there is work, but it's the new kind of work, the kind little children never could have seen coming. it takes the form of meetings, responding to emails, and providing something vague, something invisible, something called support.

there is dreaming of love, of traveling, of adventure. dreaming of something bigger and better, the only means of moving forward. this is not forever. the grass is greener on the other side. there is office banter and the ringing of phones. there are smiles and small talk. "how was your weekend?" soon turns into "any plans for the weekend?" it is stores preparing for easter in march, christmas in september. always looking forward to tomorrow because today wasn't as successful as it could have been.

how could it have been?

2 comments:

Humanity Blues said...

It's good to have you back you depressing peace of shit.

Lizzie said...

I loved this!