the good that's still left in the world.

the big event is finally over, and i can go back to being a super-slacker at work. tonight's event required me to walk all over town, obtaining plaques and customized fortune cookies. it required countless emails and meetings with the boss. it meant dealing with the copy place and getting certificates and programs printed. sometimes, i would think about what needed to be done before i went to sleep, and sometimes, it kept me up. it was the kind of looming feeling i felt everyday that one week i was an english teacher. i didn't like it at all. but now it's over, and i'm glad about that.

i passed the slideshow assignment over to the work study girl, and she did a good job with it. today, she made some last minute changes, and i was impressed at how quickly she was able to change the background, move text around, etc. she couldn't remove the backround image of a rainbow, though, and this slightly upset her. "it'll be our subliminal gay pride image," she said. we joked about the event quite a bit, not once feeling stressed about it. tomorrow is her last day, and i'm sad about that.

when it finally came down to it, i didn't memorize my speech. i read three paragraphs in a monotone voice, and i felt bad that i hadn't even tried to memorize it. i am a terrible public speaker, and i am always afraid that i will forget things, or freeze up. the work study girl was much more enthusiastic and outgoing than i was. it is her world, anyway. i am fully aware that i am just staff, and i am only doing a minimum two-year stint.

i hate that i look at things that way. for a moment today, though, i really loved being there at the school. i liked that i knew a small group of law students, and i felt like i belonged there, even though i wasn't a student. and then this woman, erin, quoted a line from lord of the rings, something like, "there's still good in the world, and we have to fight for it." it made me realize how much of my idealism has faded in such a short time. it also made me realize how important it is for me to be idealistic and hopeful about the future, thing i really haven't felt recently.

but this evening was sunny, and i saw lots of people talk about work they genuinely love doing. it made me wish that i was strong, confident, and eloquent. it made me wish that i was really doing something, really trying with every ounce of my being to pull up the people, pull up the poor. i think that i've needed time to figure out why i feel compelled to do those things. but thinking too long and too heavily on such matters can ultimately turn into a cop-out, a recipe for laziness.

i want to know now. i want to know the best way i could fight for the good that's still left in the world.

1 comment:

Jaspreet said...

the event was wonderful. you did a good job. As for finding work you would enjoy, I am going to continue to encourage you to look closer at public health and social work.