four minute warning.


i showed my dad failblog. "this is what i look at when i'm at work," i said. "that's it?" he said. he didn't find any of the fails very funny. "why don't people do more productive things at work?" my mom said, "no wonder the economy is so terrible. everyone is just goofing off at work." "pretty much," i said.

we were driving through downtown seattle, and my parents started talking about my younger cousin. "he thinks he's as good as the white kids," my dad said. i was offended. "you're saying he isn't?" i asked. "no," my dad said, "he isn't, but he thinks he is." i guess i always knew, but it still killed me a little to realize my dad thought this way.

i took them to molly moon ice cream, and we stood in line. i looked at all the hip young kids, and felt lame that i was there with my parents, even though i shouldn't have. sometimes, i feel like i never got to be young. my mom asked me again and again what flavors were good. the kids behind us were loud, and my mom said they were annoying. she said that my dad should've farted loudly to shut them up. my mom didn't like the salted caramel flavor very much.

we were driving again, and construction workers were fixing the roads. "obama gave washington a lot of money," my mom said, "that's why there's all this construction." "they don't need to fix the roads," my dad said, "he should just give the money to the people." "but if he did that," i argued, "he'd be criticized for being a socialist. by getting the roads fixed, he's actually giving people jobs."

i slept on my couch while my parents slept in my bed. they didn't like closing the doors because it gets super dark in my sleeping area. my mom would whisper something funny that happened during the day, and my dad would laugh.

"you should go back to school. go to sac state," my mom said. "i don't want to go to sac state," i said. "i want go to ateneo," i said. "okay," she said. "when you go to school there, that's where we'll be, too." i was irritated that she kept insisting i move back to california. i was irritated that she kept telling me how my bathroom grossed her out. i was irritated that she found my sparse apartment, my empty fridge, my living alone, my pointless job where i look at failblog all day, all unacceptable. she re-enforced my belief that i wasn't getting anything right.

where do you see yourself in five years?
disappointing my parents.

since i have no tv, my dad kept looking up songs on youtube. he listened to willie nelson, the kinks, and the beatles a lot. my mom would read her book and make food. they liked going to alki beach and seward park. all they seemed to want to do was eat and walk. i didn't make much of an effort to entertain them.

on sunday night, they went to mass at the st. ignatius chapel. i could've joined them, but i didn't. my agnosticism is my last effort at rebellion. it's as if to say, all those years of schooling had no effect on me. my mom no longer pushes the issue, and i am glad that she doesn't. i went to the stinson reading room and looked around at the undergrads, busying themselves, pursuing something that i have convinced myself doesn't exist.

what are you majoring in?
what does it matter?

i thought about how this was once a sin: skipping church and looking at girls. i thought about how catholicism did a number on me, and it most likely made me a worse person, not a better one. for all i know, there isn't going to be a hell, and there isn't going to be a heaven.

there is no system. there is no big lie.
the universe is...indifferent.

i dropped my parents off at the airport. they told me not to drive too fast. i told them i wouldn't.

1 comment:

beastmomma said...

You are welcome to have some of my stuff to help make your apartment less sparse :)