i'm too fly to be depressed.


in my dream, i was playing guitar and some black teenagers wanted to sing along. i started to play ne-yo's "go on girl," and they sang along. the black dude in my dream had a much better voice. we only got through the first verse, though, because that's all i know in my waking life. i woke up feeling energized, though. it was the weirdest thing. i like playing songs and singing them and having other people sing them, too, even if it's not in real life. i think i like doing that more than buying tickets to a concert, driving to the venue, finding parking, watching some boring opening band, and then waiting a long time, waiting some more, and then finally seeing the band i came to see. and they don't even sound as good as they do on record.

i went back to sleep and woke up around 10 a.m. i read for a little bit. i checked out books from the columbia city library, something i haven't done in months. i checked out unaccustomed earth, stud terkel's working: a graphic novel, i saw you..., and where the wild things are. i finished i saw you..., and i thought it was pretty good. it is a graphic novel based on real-life missed connections. i have been fascinated by missed connections for a long time. i read them when there is nothing else to read on the internet. sometimes, i wish that someone would write a missed connection for me.

after i read, i decided to go back to sleep because i had nothing else to do. i dreamed that i was on gchat. i think that i have a gchat addiction. i am on gchat right now. i know that i have a gchat addiction because i dreamed i was on gchat, and i dreamed that my friend told me to log off. i should log off from gchat. if i become more disconnected from technology, perhaps i won't feel so disconnected from reality. i have been feeling really detached and disconnected from reality more and more lately. it feels as though i haven't felt much of anything in a while now.

i went to bellevue square today because i needed more clothes. sometimes, i don't know what else to do, so i sleep or shop. it is what adbusters and all those liberal books warned me about. i think that i typically succumb as a way of rebellion. liberal hoopla never gave me any real answers or solutions. mostly, i just felt overwhelmed, paralyzed, and frustrated about my inability to do anything meaningful and just in the world. i got fed up with the self-righteousness, the repetitive and didactic rhetoric, so i just quit it. that's how i ended up at bellevue square today.

the way i see it, there's really no fighting it. i am only twenty-six, and there's hardly any fight in me left. i walked around bellevue square, and i saw very many plastic-looking girls. i'm supposed to know better than to want them, but my desire is still there. all the kids there were texting, sipping their frappucinos, wearing hats with the stickers still on them, sporting shiny white shoes, smiling, living their comfortable lives of utter bliss ignorance. i see this and think, maybe they've got it right. doesn't this look more enjoyable than being an isolated curmudgeon bitching about things he can and never will be able to change? i have no answers. i bought some shirts on sale instead. i was a pacified idiot consumer. i am a target market.

afterward, i went to a barbecue at ross' girlfriend's house. i played an armadillo guitar and sang some songs with other people. it was kind of like the dream i had. it counterbalanced all the other mixed feelings i had about shopping earlier in the day.

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