they arrest monkeys.

the three of us stood around the prius in the parking lot. the slightly awkward after-party had just ended, and we were talking about indian women. "indian women are amazing," i said. "seriously," prashant said. "something about those saris," i said. "yeah, totally. i just wanna...i mean, don't you just wanna, like grab their..what is it? their love handles." we were dying. "are you with me on this?" prashant asked. hardeep just said, "uhh," and then he looked at me. "yeah, i think you're on your own with this one." we were cracking up, and prashant wouldn't stop. "i just wanna go up to one of them and just flick their sides." hardeep and i were just like, what the fuck?

prashant rode with me in the prius. he was totally smashed, eyes bloodshot, beer breath, everything. he told me about meera, hardeep's cousin, and how he had been pouring her liquor throughout the reception. "so, she was just getting drunker and drunker, and she was hilarious! she was all like, 'everyone in my family hates me because i'm just so much prettier than everyone else.' and 'they all hate on me because i have so many friends. i was a kai!' i don't know what that was," prashant said, "like she was in a sorority or something."

outside the house, hardeep and prashant were telling me all about india. "yeah, no joke, dude. my cousin has this farm, and there was marijuana growing fucking everywhere. shit grows like mint." "like what?" i asked. "mint," he repeated. "and get this, during their holy week, they roll it up into balls and they just eat it." "it's like eating a brownie," hardeep said. "the whole village just gets stoned. and then they let cobras into their house." "what?" i asked. "yeah, that shit's not cool," hardeep said. "they let these cobras into the house," prashant repeated. "so, they just get stoned and try to dodge cobras?" i asked. they laughed. "no. see, in india, cobras are these sacred animals. they're supposed to, like, bless the house." "oh."

"there's hella monkeys too. and they're some sneaky motherfuckers. i once saw this guy carrying a tray of food, and this monkey just jumped on his back. so, he was all distracted trying to get this monkey off his back, and another monkey comes running up, and snatches the food away. so the guy starts chasing the monkey, and when he finally catches him, the monkey lobs it up to his buddy, who's already halfway up a tree." "yeah," hardeep said, "they're smart little bitches. no joke." "they're like citizens over there," prashant said. "cops even arrest them." "they arrest monkeys?" i asked, incredulous. "yeah, i mean, they don't lock them up. they pick out the ones they know are trouble, and then they ship them off to a different part of the country."

at the end of the night, prashant still looked pretty smashed. hardeep said he could crash for the night, but he said he was good to go. he still had a half-finished bottle of beer in his hand. "are you sure you can drive?" i asked. he shrugged me off, and said, "oh yeah, i do this all the time." i started laughing. "you still have a beer in your hand!" hardeep laughed, too. "yeah, at least dump that shit before you leave." "oh, i will," he said. this image of him holding his fifth or sixth beer of the night, and him shrugging off my suggestion that he was too trashed to drive lasted with me for a while. i found it hilarious, and i couldn't stop laughing.

friends don't let friends drive drunk. they just laugh at them.

No comments: