dual baby showers.


there were dual baby showers at work today. i went out to the gallery, and everyone was awkwardly standing around. i decided to help myself to a plate of sugar bread. i already had the bread on my plate when i noticed no one else had made a plate yet. some coworkers looked at me. "oh, were we not supposed to eat yet?" i said. "well, we were waiting for the guest of honor," someone said. "oh, sorry," i said. "it's okay," they said, and "don't worry about it." i felt weird and out of place standing there with my sugar bread. people weren't talking much.

finally, the guests of honor (my boss and her husband) started piling up on the sweets. "now you can dig in," a coworker told me. i put strawberries and whipped cream on my plate, and then i got a plastic cup and filled it with punch. there was ice in the punch, and the ice had berries in it. i sat down and spilled some strawberries on my pants. "goddamnit," i said. at least it got me out of there. i went into the bathroom, and i cleaned myself off.

i stood around with two of my coworkers and we talked about buffy. the only kind of conversation i can make with people these days revolves around tv shows. i've got nothing to say, but ask me about the wire, and i won't shut up. i've been thinking about this lately. even with some of my friends, i'll have nothing at all to say. i'll just sit there and nod. i've become like the dad in amélie. someone could be telling me about her drug problems and her abortion, and i would just sit there, nodding.

what has led to my inability to make small talk? have i become too immersed in the internets? i literally spent all of today looking at random websites. the top ten nerd video game freakouts. the top ten female reporters getting harassed on camera. random funny pictures. fail blog. pwned on camera. this is photo bomb. i've just been looking and looking. the only acceptable thing to do in the workplace is laugh. i can't read or look at anything too sad or disturbing. at work, it's only appropriate to laugh one's ass off, or else to feel completely numb.

my small talk skills are fading, almost nonexistent. i'm used to scrolling (trolling?), typing, reading, or firing off rounds on the m-4 carbine assault weapon with red dot sight. socialization, i think, was just supposed to be a given, something teachers never thought they'd actually have to teach. it kind of just works that way, you know? throw a dance and expect the boys and girls to get to know each other. throw a dual baby shower at work and expect the employees to mingle.

hello, how are you? hahaha. how's the wife? enemy uav is online! how's the summer going? slow? busy? that's a nice shirt. are those new contacts? you're doing pilates now? grenada! what do you think about jon dating a 22 year-old? my friend is going through a bad break-up, and she wants me to de-friend her ex on facebook. tango down! my class reunion wants me to come up with a list of accomplishments i've had since graduation. our uav is airborne! so, what about this sotomayor woman, and that "wise latina" bit?

we've lost the battle, but not the war.

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