it doesn't do anything.

we all went to the puyallup fair on sunday. jacob drove, i rode shotgun, and byron and victoria were in the backseat. we asked victoria to look up the address on her iphone, so that i could put it into jacob's gps system. victoria informed us that the iphone has its own gps. "but he likes to put it into his own gps," i told her. she rolled her eyes, and looked up the address. i put the address into the system, and then pressed the green go! button. the woman's robotic voice told us to keep driving for .8 miles. "that's better," jacob said.

our driver didn't want to listen to music, and he said to put on something quiet. i chose yo la tengo's popular songs, not even knowing that i had it. the album was certainly quiet, and it didn't really require our attention. victoria fell asleep, while jacob and byron talked about skiing and snowboarding. i looked at mount rainier and thought that it looked so majestic that it almost seemed out of place, kind of like the big spaceship in district 9. i looked out the window at all the long stretches of grass and hills, and thought again about what i was gonna do, my mortality, etc.

about 45 minutes later, we made it to the fairgrounds. some people were renting out their backyards for parking spaces. one woman had a sign that read, "parking $12." "yo," jacob said, pointing down the road, "he's $10, why are you $12." "he's going to take you around," the woman said, not making much sense. like a true capitalist, he drove to the $10 lot, which was located only next door. "that woman is an idiot," he said, "how does she expect to get any business?"

admission was $11, and we entered at the blue gate. i called john to tell him that we had arrived, and that he should meet us by the blue gate. we started to wander off because i was in great need of a polish sausage with everything on it. i also wanted nachos and a deep fried oreo and a coke. john called again, and we had to walk back to the blue gate to meet him and emily. the six of us started walking around, looking for anything unhealthy yet digestible.

we walked past spas and random booths selling random things. things like back massagers, flutes, plastic swords, etc. we found a hot dog stand, and i ordered a $7.50 polish sausage. the woman sounded polish or german, so i felt like i was getting something real. john and jacob followed suit, and then byron, but byron didn't like his, took three bites, and threw the rest away. we ate our sausages on some cement bench. there was a group of kids - four girls and a guy - and they were being obnoxiously enthusiastic. the boy didn't really seem into it, but he tagged along, probably hoping that one of the girls would eventually have sex with him.

we walked around some more, and found the deep fried anything booth. jacob ordered a deep fried twinkie. the white kids working the booth were wearing rasta hats with dreadlocks and tie-dyed t-shirts. i commented that their outfits made me not want to try anything there, even though the menu was interesting. it included deep fried frog legs, redneck sushi, deep fried cookie dough, etc. john and jacob split the twinkie. jacob said that it was amazing, but that it burned the roof of his mouth.

we walked through the barns and saw cows, pigs, horses, and dogs. i thought that the pigs might infect everyone with h1n1. i liked the girls that were working in the stables. one of them was just sweeping hay, and i found that incredibly attractive. "something about a girl working on a farm," i said. there was one girl wearing a flannel shirt, short shorts, and her black bra was clearly visible underneath her loosely buttoned shirt. i couldn't believe that she was just sitting there, smiling, in the corner with a bunch of filthy baby pigs.

the six of us entered sillyville, where all the rides and games were. we bought some tickets, even though we weren't sure what we wanted to do. i suggested the fun house, and it sucked a lot. the fun house was incredibly small, and there wasn't much to it. we all agreed how bad it sucked. i played a game where i threw a ball at three bottles stacked like a pyramid, and i didn't win. i knew i wouldn't win. before i played, i said, "i might as well just burn this three dollars right now." after that, everyone wanted to ride the wild cat rollercoaster, except for victoria, so i walked around with her. i suggested the ferris wheel instead, so we went there.

some kids in line were asking if the ferris wheel was scary. "it's not scary," some man said. "it just goes up and around. it doesn't do anything." i thought it was a pretty accurate description of a ferris wheel. i told victoria this, since she had never been on a ferris wheel. i acted like i knew, even though i had only been on a ferris wheel one other time. "it doesn't do anything," i repeated. we got into the ferris wheel, and up we went. i told her that she should tweet at the top. she took a picture, and she tweeted it. when we got to the top, the wind was knocking us around a little bit. "oh," i said, "it's not supposed to shake like this." "don't say that!" she said.

we made it out alive, and then we walked around some more. john said i had to go on the rollercoaster. i agreed, but first we used the bathroom. he was whistling something in the bathroom. when i got out of the bathroom, jacob said, "time to meet your doom." i was a little nervous, since the cars had been making some awful squeaking sounds, but i wanted to try it anyway. i had always had a fear of rides, and i never tried to do anything different. i decided i was a new me, though. an example of the new me is that i can finally accept that danny devito has joined the cast of it's always sunny in philadelphia.

john and i got in the car, and up we went. the concept of weightlessness came back to me, and i held onto the bar as we dropped down. the first drop caused my scrotum to hurt, and i don't know what that's about. no other guys i've talked to have ever talked about that being a problem. we dropped two or three more times, and then we spun around really quickly. i liked spinning around fast, and i yelled "woo" a couple of times.

i said that i wanted to get wet, meaning that i wanted to ride the splash down ride. no one had any more tickets, though, so i went alone. i got in the ride behind two brunettes. the ride attendant told one of the girls to take her sunglasses off her head. she said, "what?" then felt the top of her head. she wasn't wearing sunglasses. "fuck you!" she said, and the guy was laughing. we dropped four times, my scrotum didn't hurt, and then the ride was over.

the six of us watched a weird al 3d movie, and it was okay, except that it featured weird al. when it was over, we decided to call it a day. we drove to sonic, but only john and emily got sonic. we went to tutta bella instead. "they want to go to tutta bella," i told john. "see," jacob said, "he always does this shit. he always says, 'they' wanna do something. fucking coward can never take responsibility." i had been accused of this before. i thought about why i always did that, and i couldn't find any explanation.

in the car, we listened to a hardcore history podcast. victoria showed me pictures from atlanta on her iphone. she looked happy in them, and there were a bunch of pictures with her and three of her friends. "so, you guys would just dress up, and hang out?" "pretty much," she said. "you're like the sex and the city girls," i said. "yeah," she said. i could see then why she had told me she thought about moving back to atlanta.

it's nice, sometimes, not having to feel so alone.

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