men who aren't size xxl.


she said she needed some clothes from ross, so i said i would accompany her. what else was i gonna do but play xbox for hours? i didn't need any clothes, really. i just wanted something to do. so i agreed. i wanted to see what the ross by my apartment looked like, anyway. i was expecting it to be completely trashed and destroyed like the ross downtown. it wasn't that bad. there were some items thrown about on the floor, but nothing as bad as the downtown location. give it a few months.

i went to the shoes section, and there was nothing. there were a few pairs, but nothing that looked good. i looked at some shirts, and it was the same deal. i sometimes think that these retail stores forget that men who aren't size xxl exist. the sunglasses section had like three pairs of glasses, and even though the sign read "men's sunglasses," they only had hot pink ones and ones with sparkles or jewels or whatever on them.

i went to the toys section, as i had no idea what kids were into these days. i came across old ninja turtles figurines - april o'neil and beebop - and i wondered if they were originals. i checked the back of the box, and i was disappointed to discover they had been created in 2008. it was the 25th anniversary edition or something. 2008, though. they were still making crappy toys - i mean, come on, beebop and april - in a foreign land so that they could rot in last-stop retail chain stores.

my boss told me that her son dressed up as a power ranger for halloween last year. "power rangers? is that even popular still?" "i guess so," she said, "the toys are still for sale." i thought about how i used to collect ninja turtle action figures. recently, my friends and i were talking about mcdonald's. "it's called a fucking 'happy' meal," one emphasized. we all agreed how it was ridiculous how we had been scammed, made to think that burgers and fries and plastic foreign toys could make us happy. we'd keep coming back, though. we had to "collect 'em all." had to.

so, i was standing there looking at beebop, wondering, who the hell is gonna buy this? it was only $3.99, and the thought occurred to me that maybe i should buy it. i pictured beebop on my desk, and people would ask about it. "what is that?" few would know what it was. it would be a conversation piece, as though i didn't have enough of those already. but mostly, i pitied it. beebop for $3.99 at a fucking ross in columbia city that no kid was ever gonna open and enjoy. that it was some poor fuck's job in asia to make sure that beebop was assembled, sealed, and shipped to the land that devours all.

i'm glad i didn't buy beebop. i'm $3.99 richer now.

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