do it to me every time.

is she asian? she looks asian. but her hair is so straight and light, it's like white girl hair. maybe she's half. goddamn you half-japanese girls. is she gonna sit next to me? shit. why didn't she sit next to me? maybe i look threatening with my hood up like that. i look like a goddamn thug. maybe she didn't for the same reason i don't sit next to cute girls on buses. afraid that some weird sound or odor would emit from my body, and i would be oblivious to it.

is she even all that cute? is it just her green clear-frame glasses? no, she's definitely cute. she has something going on. oh, she's on her cell phone. now i can tell if she has an accent or not. "i just wanted to wish you a happy birthday and..." no accent. now she's getting up because the guy next to her has to get off at the next stop. now she's sitting in front of me. should i say something? what could i possibly say?

i kind of want to lean in, see what she smells like. is that too creepy? is that perverted? of course it is. i'm creepy, and i'm perverted. i wonder what it would be like to run my hands through her hair. oh well, just forget about it. you'd ruin it somehow, you damn fool. sure, it might be all nice in the beginning. you'd be all romantic and sweet and say the right thing, but then you'd find a way to blow it. you're always gonna blow it. don't ever forget that.

she's probably seeing someone anyway. a girl like that, of course she is. what interest could she possibly have in you? you ate two reese's peanut butter cups for lunch, and your face is all pimply. your hair looks flat and stupid, and you just aren't in her league. if you had a lot of money, maybe it would be a different story. but even then, would you really want to attract a girl that likes you just because you have a lot of money?

christmas is coming up. don't you want someone to do all the cheesy things you dreamed of doing with a girl when you were a kid? like holding hands and walking around neighborhoods at night to see all the lights. like watching the snow fall down while she had her scarf and ear muffs on, and you'd start a snowball fight or build a snowman together, or make angels in the snow. you'd listen to christmas carols and drink eggnog and fall asleep by the fire. you cheesy, hopeless romantic bastard. god, you're pathetic. you deserve to be alone.

and how easy it would be to just move into the seat in front of you. why can't you do it? everyone is always saying you have nothing to lose. just move up a seat and say, "hello." if she says nothing or turns away, you can at least say you tried. what are you gonna say? how would you start? "what's your name?" "do you work at..." "what are you doing this weekend?" why is it so difficult for you to do something so simple?

it's alright. just put it out of your head. i know you're not gonna do it. you fucking wimp. you're gonna be on your deathbed one day, and you're gonna remember all the moments like this one, and you're gonna feel real stupid for not taking any risks in life. you're gonna wish you hadn't played it so safe. and then you're just gonna keep on feeling sorry for yourself. god, you make me sick.

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