she's a real go-getter.

the sun was out, so i went to the grassy area to read. i'm reading a book called the abstinence teacher because i decided i should start a book club. the book club was a way for me to meet people, since i'm not so good at doing that. the way it worked is that i sent out an email to a bunch of people that i kind of knew, but not really, and i told them that they should join my book club. and if they join, then that's good, and if they don't join, then too bad. since i don't have roommates or very many friends, it's probably a real good thing to get something started, something like a book club.

what are other people my age doing? i'm surprised to see so many people at the connolly center. the weight room was full of young men lifting weights and young women running on treadmills. there were flat screens all lined up against the wall, and the runners were watching them. so this is what people do, i thought. i don't know why it never occurred to me to go there more regularly - after all, it was free. maybe i didn't like physically exerting myself, or i didn't care all that much about being healthy. maybe i didn't want to be alone in a very public place. which is stupid, since most everyone there was alone.

but looking alone is a strange, vulnerable thing. i didn't go to cafes or bars alone because it looks suspicious. what, being surrounded by families and couples everywhere. it just feels off. so, it's easier to hole up in my apartment and watch tv or play video games or read a book or just fall asleep. it's what people with boring jobs and no motivation who spend their days trolling reddit do. there are lots of single, negative redditors who always second-guess themselves and overanalyze every little detail of their lives. it's a virtual community i don't want to be a part of, but i am by default.

i downloaded the new el perro del mar, love is not pop, and it's good. i tweeted how good it was. it makes me wish that i was making music, or making anything, really. my days have been pretty boring, and i'm looking forward to a trip. but i'm not really looking forward to it, either. i know that it will just leave me with a good feeling for a short while, and then i'll go back to work. and it will be like it is now. so i just have to accept how i'm feeling now and be done with it, or i could just keep going through the ups and downs.

i heard about this girl who worked for this american life. before the show even got big, she started contacting ira glass, demanding that he hire her. ira was hesitant, since she had no experience. she was so persistent, though, that finally, he gave in. as it turned out, this chick was amazing, and she could do it all - interview, edit, produce, etc. she was a real go-getter because she loved what she was doing. she got shit done and it satisfied her, and she felt like she was doing what she was born to do.

i am afraid that i will never figure out what i am meant to do. i am afraid that i won't ever be passionate about anything, that i'll always be waiting for someone else to delegate responsibilities to me, and i'll resent them for their authoritative role, and simultaneously resent the possibility that i'm not a go-getter, that i've wasted so much of my time letting other people dictate how my life will be lived. i want to say what goes for a change. i want to call the shots and get things done that i think are important.

but we all want that. so, why aren't things any better?

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