there's a party going on.

right now, somewhere in our neighborhood, there is a party going on. there are kids walking past my parents' house, and they are drunk and talking loudly. they come in groups of threes or fours, and they are carrying drinks in their hands. one of the boys was talking about wanting to get into a fight, and he was yelling at his friend about how he wasn't a bitch. he yelled a lot, and he looked like he wanted to get in a fight. i watched him from my window.

tonight, i did not go out. i went out yesterday, but tonight, i did not go out. it was my cousin's birthday, and we spent it at my aunt's house, and we cousins played board games and did karaoke. i wanted to go out, and i told them i wanted to go out, but they did not want to go out, even though it was my cousin's birthday. i didn't know what that was about.

it was weird, though, me wanting to go out. usually, i don't want to go out. usually, i want to stay inside my house and read or else go on the computer. but lately, i have been wanting to go out and drink and meet girls and feel like a moderately successful adult. it is a stupid desire, and i wish to quell it, and i don't know where it came from.

because i look at these kids outside my parents' house, and i think they are all stupid. i think they are worthless children with no future and that they have absolutely nothing to look forward to in life. something in me thinks that it is stupid to want to go out and have a good time, or else want to love and to be loved. part of me thinks that it's a really stupid thing, for absolutely no reason or logic whatsoever. maybe i am bitter and i am hurt and that's the reason why.

maybe i read too much into the wire, and i think how no matter what one does in life, he's ultimately going to be compromised by the institution he's forced to contend with. we'll all be bought and sold. and then synecdoche, new york struck a chord with me. we're all going to be like the main character, and we're gonna deal with shit and ugly things in life and always feel alone and get gum surgery, and then we're going to die.

i see this little asian kid on the bus i ride to work sometimes. he sits in the front, and he's usually accompanied by his mom or dad. once, his dad made him sit right next to him. he didn't want to, but his dad insisted. the kid just wanted a little buffer zone, but his dad denied him that privilege. the kid didn't try to argue anymore. he just accepted that he was gonna sit next to his dad. it reminded me of when my dad would make me wear my hood in the rain, or else carry an umbrella, and i'd feel like a wimp.

sometimes, i want to tell this kid that i am his future. he's going to have a miserable time in school. he's gonna feel all alone and he's gonna feel bad for himself, and there won't be a thing in the world that can make him change his mind about it. i want to warn him about things, even though his experiences will probably be much different from my own. i don't know, though. i just feel like i need to warn him.

and then last night, i met my cousin and his friends at the monkey bar. he was drunk and having a good time, so i decided to get drunk and have a good time. and then that's what i did. i told my cousin that he should try to meet a girl, and then i approached these two asian girls and i asked them if i could buy them a drink. they laughed and said no, and then one of them pointed out her boyfriend, who was also in the bar. that's when i backed off.

i went back to the table and made some misogynistic remarks. i didn't really mean them, i just wanted to get a few cheap laughs from the table. i didn't even think the asian girls were attractive. it just felt like something to do. because i no longer wish to be myself. i wish to be a different person who enjoys striking out more than actually getting what he wants. i don't know why i want to be this different person. maybe because if i am this different person, i won't have to feel so bad about this world and my place in it anymore.

and these kids keep walking past my house, talking some bullshit and holding onto their drinks. and it just doesn't make any sense to me why they should be able to enjoy their saturday night when someone else starves or else freezes to death in another part of town. it doesn't make any goddamn sense to me why i get to blog about nothing while some other fucker has to live in fear of his village being bombed, or else his family being killed.

do i believe in god? i don't know. what i do believe is that i'm becoming more like my uncle, who drank a lot and rolled down his window to tell girls in the next car that he was on his way to black angus. my uncle who lived with his mom for a long time until he finally got his own empty apartment and filled it with things because that's what people do. my uncle who sang karaoke songs off-key and worked a boring, unrewarding job for a very long time.

the only thing i have left to do in life is to pick my favorite professional sports football team.

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