wouldn't even mean it.


when did the joke end, and reality begin? it started with kanye, probably. he started listening to kanye, and then he couldn't tell if he thought kanye was just funny, or if he actually liked it. he listened to nothing but kanye for like a week. and then he joined the march madness office pool. he didn't give a shit about college ball, but there he was, rooting for unc, winning it all. he started buying clothes that weren't on sale, and the newest and best electronics. hell, he even got a credit card.

was he just being funny? he started to drink and dance and loosen up a bit. was that a good thing, or bad? he began approaching strange women, and he even came on too strong sometimes. his friend called him out, said he was a frat boy. it was all just a big joke, though, right? like patrick bateman, there was no real "him." just an idea of him. some persona, some crazy and unbalanced character he made up for himself to give him something to write about. every outing became material, and he just couldn't stop.

wasn't it better to live that way, anyway, than to be cooped up in his house all day, feeling bad for himself? he was only going to be young once, wasn't he? shouldn't he just have gone nuts, gone apeshit? he was tired of taking orders, had grown weary of being predictable. he was all set to do some crazy shit, talk some crazy talk and he wouldn't even mean it. but, was anyone laughing? was anyone laughing at all?

he was sick of being himself. as himself, he couldn't handle the pitfalls that came with everyday living. as himself, a lot of things were just unacceptable to him. he'd actually have that thought: this is unacceptable to me! his mom told him that he couldn't, shouldn't lose his cool when he got in a mere fender bender, that he shouldn't have cried in front of other people. sometimes, though, he felt like he was gonna be that postsecret, the one that read: "i have turned into the kind of person who cries in the bathroom at work."

it was better for him to be a womanizer and a drunk and someone who threw all his money away on ridiculous things. that was where the joke ended, and fun began. yeah. yeah, he was gonna go with that.

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