filth & stink.

there was this eagle perched on a tall ass bare-bones tree, and he was just sitting there, chillin'. motherfucker sat up there like he owned the world. my friend's roommate scrambled through her bird book, determined to figure out what kind of eagle he was. he's either a bald or a golden, she said. she couldn't tell because she couldn't see his tail. this frustrated her to no end. i imagined it was like hearing a song on the radio, and recognizing it, but not really knowing who it was. that kind of frustration. but her, being a bird enthusiast and all, maybe it was much worse.

got me thinking, life's so unfair even other species have celebrities. ain't nobody give a shit about a seagull, and hell, most people will probably even try to run over a pigeon once or twice. brings me back to my ethics course in college, the one where dr. painter talked about the wheel of fortune. the premise was that you're born into status or you're born into a really fucked situation, and it's just ridiculous. why should one person get to be a multi-millionaire ball player while another has to starve to death in a third world country? this one kid, some white kid who didn't know shit about shit tried to argue that ball players get what they deserve because they work hard. everyone shot him down, and essentially said, no, life is absurd, and you're born into what you're born into. nothing's deserved.

on the bus i was sitting across the aisle from a bum. he smelled awful. i thought of the scene in happenstance when audrey tautou's character is having a bad day, and she's sitting at the train station. a bum tells her to smile, and she says, why should i smile at you with your filth and stink? you make me sick. and then i thought about patrick bateman and how he tells the bum that he should get a job. they're just born into that, and it's awful. i find it hard to believe in a god who allows such situations to exist. and then i'm listening to "4 minute warning," and i think about all the struggling people in the world. the people who had to (and have to) literally run for their lives and hide out in dark scary places just to survive. it's almost so sad, fucked up and absurd that it's almost comical. and when i find myself laughing at miserable situations that humanity has had to put up, and still puts up with, i think that i am going insane.

i just don't get the vision anymore. they're always talking about this idea of social justice at the school, and i've heard it all my life, but i can't even envision it. the way they talk, they make it sound like it's all about having everyone holding hands and living in harmony and there's nothing going on. it's just a field full of roses and everyone is smiling like they've just overdosed on prozac. it's the scene at the end of candide. they've finally made it to utopia, but they quickly discover that utopia is boring as shit. we're naturally drawn to drama. we must first cultivate our gardens.

it's just ridiculous if you really think about it. you could've been born a king. you could've been born a sweatshop worker who's forced into a life of drugs and prostitution. you could've been a grammy winning songwriter, or else a bum. you could've been a prosecuting attorney, an astronaut, or a mcdonald's lifer. you could've been an eagle or a pigeon. but instead you just are who you are and i am who i am. and then i think about all of us in that first stage, little sperms trying to penetrate the egg. why did we want so badly for that to happen? the universe is always expanding, and our time here is not much more than a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a nanosecond. why was it so important for us to embark on this journey?

i read a review for joanna newsom's new album. there was a quotation that read, "life can be difficult and lonely and we all need love, but holding on to it can be hard." truest words i've read in a good long while.

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