i don't wanna be friends.


my cousin rich bitch used to live with his dad in an apartment complex off watt ave. i didn't go there much, but when i did, i remember my mom always laughing about how there was nothing in the fridge except for coca-cola. rich bitch and his dad must've liked coke a whole lot because they'd even have the coke candies sitting around. it was like that stuff the gummy bear company made, and it didn't even really taste like coke. tasted like shit, if you ask me.

for a while, if i remember correctly, my other cousin francis also lived there in that apartment complex with his parents. francis and rich bitch were about the same age, so naturally, it was expected they would become friends. they'd hang out sometimes, play basketball or whatever, and i'd watch television, usually batman - the old school live-action one, not the cartoon - by myself. sometimes, my uncle reb, rich bitch's dad, or my uncle albert, francis' dad, would take us three boys out to go do something they thought would entertain us.

this one time, they took us to the wooz. the wooz was this dumb place across i-5 from nut tree, and it was a place that had all these mazes. rich bitch and francis paired up, and my uncle albert and i paired up. my uncle albert and i walked through a maze for like five minutes, reached a dead end, and then we gave up and got some lemonades. rich bitch and francis, though, were gone for a long time. they were gone probably like a good half hour to a full one. when they got back, they each had a certificate of some kind. they had successfully finished a couple of mazes. we cheated, rich bitch said, and francis was smiling. rich bitch then went on to explain that the mazes got more difficult once you leveled up, and that's when the dead ends went down to the floor, making it impossible for them to crawl underneath them. i remember being mad at my uncle albert for not being smart enough to help me cheat in the beginning mazes.

so that was how it went. one uncle would take the kids out for an afternoon, and we kids took what we could get. we'd drink cokes, eat at dairy queen, go see a movie like back to the future 3. anyway, this one time, the two boys were over at my house, and again, i was watching batman. i kept watching the stupid show because they'd flash that number on the screen, and you'd call it, and if you were the right caller, you'd win the bat book, or whatever the hell it was. i'd call and call, but not once did i ever even get through. always a busy signal. anyway, i was waiting for that stupid number to show up, when all of a sudden, i heard francis scream.

i got up off my parents' bed to see what the ruckus was. i only found rich in the hallway looking dumbfounded. francis was nowhere to be seen. i think he ran out the house. i asked rich bitch what happened, but he refused to talk about it. later, after it had all blown over, rich bitch told me that he told francis that he didn't want to be his friend anymore. apparently, when he said this, francis jumped up in the air and screamed. rich bitch mocked him, said he looked like michael jordan when he jumped. after francis went home, i swear rich bitch kept repeating the scene for the rest of the day. he'd say, i don't wanna be friends anymore, and then he'd go aaaaaaaa! and even my dad found it funny, my dad laughed and laughed, but he said to keep it down whenever my mom was around because, after all, that was her family.

and that was that. no more wooz or the three amigos ever hanging out again. and i never did get that bat book.

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