i'm trying to do nothing right now.

i was at the twilight exit, and i was thinking about stuff. that's how it goes. there were some lights, and i was at table full of jews younger than me. life can take you to some weird places, put you in strange situations. other than a black man with a cane, trench coat and black hat, i was the only other person of color. what the hell am i doing here? what the hell is going on?

sometimes i wake up really early in the morning, and it's still dark out. i'll lie in bed and wonder what the hell is going on. this is life? i'm alone in a dark room, and i'm alive, and i have to go to work in a couple of hours. but it's not really work. it's just being parked in front of a computer screen and then some talking. and i don't even have to work. i could just live at home and be a bum. so what am i working for? so that i can spend weekends in a bar with white people.

every now and then, i have these dreams. and they're really fucking obvious. like you know how sometimes you'll be watching a movie and the symbolism is just so obvious that a five year old could understand it? those are my dreams. the creators of my dreams are bad screenplay writers. like there'll be a tsunami, or else i'll dream about being in airplane that doesn't go very high. and it's like, okay, i get it subconscious. i'm alone and i'm dull and overwhelmed and not really going anywhere. i fucking get it, dream makers.

i think i understand a little bit better now why people buy shit. sometimes, like on the weekend especially, when i don't have shit to do, i'll go out and i'll buy something. it's exactly the kind of thing i warned myself about when i was twenty-two. like, who are these assholes that can spend $60 on a t-shirt? who drops $100 on a pair of running shoes? the answer is: people who are utterly dissatisfied with their lives.

last year, my mom told me that my girlfriend left me because i was too "easy come, easy go." that basically, things ended because i have no ambition and no direction in life. when my rich uncle in manila asked my mom what was going to become of me, she told him that i would probably go to law school or business school. he nodded as though those were good things to do. it kind of made me sick, though, knowing how my mom wanted so badly for me to be successful, and how, year after year, i was letting her down.

what i also find funny is that there was no real support system or any sort of counseling for going through a breakup after a long-term relationship. as a guy, i'm just supposed to keep that all to myself, and there's no one really to talk about it with. a friend of mine is going through the same thing right now, and all that we can do is laugh about it. throw in a couple of one-liners, but nothing more than that. you know, because dudes aren't supposed to talk about feelings. life sucks, shit goes bad. fucking be a man and repress that shit.

fucking be a man and deal with it. that's what i have to keep telling myself.

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