leaving this town makes so much sense.


it was raining out and i was sitting behind a fair-skinned southeast asian woman on the number 9. i noticed two or three gray hairs on her head. she had her head turned, and she was looking out the window. that's how i could see the gray hairs at the top of her head. was it just age, or did she have a stressful job, a stressful home life? in the window's reflection, i could see her cell phone glowing its blue glow. as we passed mlk, she put on a head scarf, a green, gold, and white pattern, and i watched as all that hair - the rare grays and the curly locks - disappear. her hands were small, her fingernails painted red, and something about those red painted fingernails made me feel nostalgic, had me longing for some type of human connection.

earlier that day, i woke up in a panic. it was 5 a.m., and i pictured myself getting shot. i pictured myself lying on edmunds st., and there was a shotgun blast, one that took out a quarter of my stomach, and i was lying there, thinking that this was it, i was going into the darkness. no more me. i am self-absorbed, and i am worried about dying. because i haven't done anything i've really wanted to do yet. i dreamed i was in finland, but just at the airport. i knew it'd probably be a long time before i got to go to finland again, so why didn't i just step off the plane and explore? the plane took off, and it was over. goodbye, finland.

this past week, i turned down a job offer. my old boss recommended me to take over her position, as she was retiring. it was less pay, more responsibility, so i was hesitant. the thing is, i'm tired of running. i told my younger cousin once that it's not about where you are, but it's about who you know. i'm tired of trying to escape, and blaming my location for my general malaise. things suck all over, haven't you heard? i didn't want to have to start all over again. it took me a long time to realize that good friends are hard to come by.

whilst mulling over the job offer, i had a heart-to-heart with my coworker. i told her what i was thinking. that, by a certain age, it's hard to make friends, so you might as well just keep the assholes you've been given. see, i've got this other friend, and she's always wanting to move back to her hometown, atlanta. as much as i tell her that things won't be the same, that all her friends have moved on, and that she needs to move on, too, she just won't listen. my coworker, too, idealizes new york, and probably with good reason, but she's accepted now that this is her home, that this is where she belongs. once you say goodbye, close a chapter in your life, you can't go back to it.

i've come to realize that i'll probably get sick of wherever i go, so i might as well just stay in one place. at least until i have things a little more figured out.

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