you're hella random, guy.

couple weeks back, ross and i were talking about this service project we did through americorps at some wolf reservation place. the place was hella rundown, and there were a bunch of wolves in this little fenced off area. it was pretty weird being there, just knowing if those wolves got out somehow, they've eat all our fucking faces off. but there was something awesome about it, too. anyhow, there was a woman who worked there, and she seemed kind of bitter. ross said the woman seemed like she was all upset because the world wasn't the way she wanted it to be. what he said was funny because it was true, and for a long time, maybe even now still, i've felt the same way.

that's what i was thinking about at tutoring tonight. these three black kids came in, and they were doing no work. one of them pulled out a worksheet, and he started going at it. i was trying to read over the worksheet with him, but his buddy kept messing with his iphone, and he kept interrupting him. he couldn't stay on task. "alright," i said, "you need to give him back his phone." i stood up to get the phone. the kid looked pissed. "i'll hand it to him," he said. and for some reason, this really pissed me off.

the third kid was using a laptop, and he was just looking at himself on the webcam. i took it from him, and i told him he needed to do work. "okay," he said, "just put it right there." he pointed to a little chair next to him. this pissed me off, too. i hated these kids. why was i even here? fuck these stupid ass kids. i sat there, and i didn't really know what to do with myself. i think what bothered me more was not that they weren't doing homework, but that they were completely ignoring me. they were talking about some girls from school, talking about ipods and facebook, and i was just wasting my time.

it was one of those days where i was ready to say, what's the point? i saw it all happen. i'd say the line, and one of the boys would say, what do you mean? and i'd say, what's the point of your stupid fucking science worksheet? why do you give a shit about how the acidity in the water affects the height of a radish plant? you don't. and your teacher doesn't give a shit, either. so, why are you wasting your time? you're going to grow up to be a boring adult, and you'll have a boring job, you will hate your life, and then you will die. so fuck the acidic water, fuck the radish plants, and fuck you.

i was ready to go home. instead, i went to the bathroom. when i came back, i sat down next to another tutor, and we talked a little bit. i stupidly asked if it was okay to just let the boys be, as i didn't want to make them do any work if they didn't want to. she said yeah, that was probably fine. i couldn't understand why it upset me so much. another kid, who was actually doing his homework, told the other tutor, "you smell like my cousin's house." i found that really funny. when i left early, he said goodbye to me, and he said my name. i didn't even know he knew my name. some kids, like him, really surprise me. some kids give me all the hope in the world. maybe that's why i keep coming back.

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