are you excited to become a lawyer?


this is my friend, he said. he's from the philippines, he doesn't speak a word of english, and he'd really love to have his picture taken with four beautiful women. the two girls looked at him, looked at me. he's from where? the one girl asked. manila, the philippines. why doesn't he say anything? the other girl asked. he doesn't speak english! but look, she said, he's nodding. see, he's nodding. he understands, she said. she pointed down granville street. look over there, there are some girls over there who don't look as smart as us. why don't you go try them? what, he said, are you racist? and then we walked away.

there were two girls eating some shit food on a bus bench outside the 7-11. come on, i'm gonna go say something to them, i said. no, he said, don't embarrass me right now. dude, i said, what difference does make? if i really embarrass us, we never have to come back here! but i do wanna come back here, he said. well, it doesn't even matter. what are the chances we'll ever run into them again? he had nothing to say to that. come on, i'm gonna do it. what are you gonna say? he asked. i don't know, i said. i'm just gonna say, hey, where's the party at, and do you wanna come with us? dude, you cannot say that, he said. that's not how it works.

he told the stripper i had just passed the washington state bar, and she shook my hand. congratulations, she said. he gave her forty dollars. she looked at the money, and then she said, alright, are we ready for a dance? and i said, yeah. she led me to a room in the corner, and there was a sofa, a seat, and a bathtub. she motioned for me to sit on the seat. what's your name? i asked. gia, she said, and then we shook hands. she removed her top. are you excited to become a lawyer? she asked. what? she repeated herself, this time louder. are you excited to become a lawyer? yeah! i said. yes, i am.

let's go to wings, he said. i like wings. we went into wings and got a table way in the back. there was a soccer game on one screen, highlights from the cavs/celtics game on the other. let's just get three pounds of wings, he said. i looked at the menu. just three? let's do five. five? are you crazy, he said. do you know how many wings that is? come on, i said. we can do it. let's just start with three, he said, then we'll see how we feel after that. after the three pounds, i ordered two more. see, i said, we should've just gone with five.

let's go in here, he said. it was a smoke shop. what's in here? they sell weed in here? i asked. no, he said, let's just get some cigars. we went inside. do you have zippos, i asked the clerk. yes, he said, over there by that man. i walked over to that man, and there were zippos in a case, all twirling around in their overpriced majesty. i thought about getting a canadian one. the cheapest were around $22. come on, he said, you don't need a zippo. let's just get some matches. do you have matches? he asked the clerk. the clerk said, of course. i went up to the clerk. are there any strip clubs around here besides cecil's? he thought it over. yes, he said. see those blues lights over there? behind that building. it's called penthouse.

i wanna see what this peep show business is all about. gimme a quarter, i said. he handed me some coins, and i didn't know their value. let's go in here. he laughed. are you kidding me? do you think there's actually a woman who goes in this shop? it'd be a lot cooler if there was, i said. we went inside. what's the peep show all about? he asked the clerk, an old man. the old man said, there are video booths in here. oh, that's lame, i said, let's get out of here. hold on, he said. look at that! it's the fleshlight. you want one? i asked the old man how much a fleshlight was. $198, plus tax, he said. jesus. are you kidding me? $198? yeah, but think about how much you masturbate, he said. it pays for itself.

all over granville street, girls were dressed like hoes. prom night, and kids were screaming out of limousine windows. an old man puked on the sidewalk; a drunk girl held onto a tree for support; and a fight almost broke out near an ambulance. the whole street was lit up. dude, i wanna live here, i said. it's like grand theft auto. no rules. yeah, he said, isn't it awesome?

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