no you're not!

the only thing that made me feel okay about quitting my last job was my boss' words to me: life is too short to not being doing what you want. and he had a point. i didn't want to try and force kids to learn english because i knew what it felt like when someone tried to force me to learn pre-calculus - a subject i had very little to no interest in. and even though english and pre-calculus can benefit all of us in the long run, i just had a real problem with being an authoritative figure. so i quit. and then i made myself pay for it. i still have dreams where i'm at the school, but each time, the gig isn't as bad as i had imagined.

what was it then? what is it that makes me want to give up on everything i do, everyone i know? there's this part in jhumpa lahiri's namesake where the father takes a job in another city, so he has to be away from his wife for long periods of time. when he finally dies, the wife realizes that he took the job and went away so that she could learn how to live on her own. similar to that, i guess i do what i do because i want to prepare myself for life's disappointments. like, if i just get really disappointed now, and feel like a failure now, i won't have to deal with it later. it's like a preemptive strike against a mid-life crisis. but that's no way to live your life.

they announced at work today that my department and i would be moving down to the clinic's old space. i guess that's what triggered it. the only thing i have to look forward to at work is my officemates, the people i bullshit with and complain to. after a long lonely weekend, i actually look forward to monday morning when i can tell emily and gen what i did, that they finally opened the hatch in lost, or that i ate some really amazing dim sum. i can quote boogie nights and talk about lady gaga all i want, and they just smile and attempt to humor me. and now work is taking that away from me, forcing me to work with new people, older people, and god knows what we'll have to talk about. oprah magazine and crocheting, i guess.

i'm using it as an excuse to get away. i can't look at the buildings of the university anymore. i can't take another month of rain. i can't just go to work everyday, do nothing, and then come home and take three hour naps. my boss once said that seattle is just a place where people come to go to school, and then when school is over, they go away. either that, or they end up getting some corporate job. and sure, it's gonna be the same wherever i end up. i'll have to start over, look for work, try to create something that resembles a social life, find an apartment, pay bills, get groceries, try not to feel anxious and overwhelmed.

what i worried about most when i was unemployed was that i was missing out on something. that old lie that your twenties are supposed to be some awesome nonstop party where everyone goes out drinking and having loose morals every night. and maybe it's supposed to be, but i got a glimpse of that kind of life in new york, and yeah, it was fun for a week, but after that, it's just kind of sad. and i saw myself for what i was. there was this moment where i was at some bar, and i went to the bathroom to get away from it all. i went back out and started dancing and singing along to "whatever you like." i'd never felt more disingenuous in my entire life.

but that's the thing. i saw this postsecret once that read, "i don't want to be holden caulfield anymore." i don't know how to stop having this internal monologue with myself. i don't know how to make it go away. i'm like the old biblical dude, the prodigal son, who lost his way. why else are there numerous entries in this blog about strippers, awful things i've said and thought, stupid things i've done. this isn't me. i need to figure out how to stop living just to have something to write about. i need to stop worrying about retirement and saving money because i'm afraid of uncertainty. i need to stop being so hard on myself, stop talking about hard times in general. sometimes you just need to learn to walk away and be grateful for what you've got.

sixty more entries to reach the 1,000th post, and then i retire the blog.

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