tacos, tacos, tacos...burritos?


let me start by saying i don't write about food. i don't know why people write about food. writing about food is like writing about music. what's the point? everyone is gonna experience it differently, so you might as well just keep your comments to yourself. i'm sure there are some people who write about food well, like ruth reichl and the eat, pray, love lady (that's about food, right?), but for the most part, the average joe blow like myself can't tell much of a difference between a zagat-rated risotto and a microwaveable burrito from 7-11.

that brings me to my point, which is that i'm going to now write about burritos. it all started with taco bell's burrito supreme. i first had a taste of that glorious thing when i was probably four or five years old. my mom or dad must've brought it back from taco bell one day, and i ate that shit up like it was the greatest thing i had ever tasted. and in four years of existence, after eating gerber's mashed up peas, carrots and applesauce for years, it probably was the greatest thing i had ever tasted. i soon discovered the mild and hot sauce packets, and how you could make your burrito soggy and spicy if you wished. wash that shit down with an ice cold pepsi, and i was in heaven. after getting over a bad case of the stomach flu in second grade, i wanted one real bad, but was afraid i was just going to throw it up. when i didn't throw it up, i knew that the burrito was special.

there were other places where i got burritos, i'm sure, but none of them really stuck out in my mind as much as the burrito supreme did. it wasn't until i tried the burrito ultimo from baja fresh that i had first discovered a true contender. there was something terrific about it. it had a toasted tortilla and a special sauce that burst with flavor. green and red peppers, onions, rice, sour cream, and cheese. absolutely delicious. i got upset whenever i took a friend there, and he or she said baja was gross. i'd reprimand them, set them straight. "that's because you didn't order the burrito ultimo!" and then i'd feel as though it was i who had failed. i forgot to warn them that the burrito ultimo (and maybe the nachos) was the only thing on the menu worth ordering.

i took my buddies chris and jeff there once because they'd never been to baja fresh. it felt like my whole life i had to tell people about other stuff (i.e. bands and movies) like the burrito ultimo, but that's a different story. jeff didn't take my advice. i think he ordered a baja burrito, a real shit sandwich, and we laughed at him for being so stupid. chris, on the other hand, was rewarded for listening. his face lit up. halfway through his burrito, he said, "this is so good. i want to stick my cock in this." see? if you're gonna write about food, you need to come up with shit like that.

sidenote: sometimes the burrito ultimo is hit or miss. like yesterday, i got one from fucking bellevue. tortilla wasn't toasted, and i swear there wasn't a single goddamn pepper in it. it was mostly rice with a little bit of sour cream on the bottom. catastrophe. to guarantee goodness, you must order from the baja fresh on howe about arden. even the jamba juice there gets it right every time. they're doing something right in that area. and they've got leatherby's. something right indeed. but you know who doesn't have it right? chipotle. and world wraps. jesus, don't get me started on world wraps.

gotta give my dad props for discovering this little place called gordito burrito, off the highway 50/howe avenue exit. my dad came home one day, and i expected him to bring home his usual shit: korean barbecue, hawaiian barbecue, kfc, noodles and fried rice, etc. all the stuff he brought home was good, but when he laid down those boxes of gordito burritos, he took it to a whole new level. first of all, the burritos were fucking massive. they were like warm infants, small baby jesuses, ready to die for our salivating sins. he always ordered extra guacamole and salsa, and man, oh man, it was a feast.

i went through a real seven-layer phase in high school, too. the burrito supreme was on its way out, especially after everyone i knew kept telling me that taco bell used the shittiest meat. so shitty it wasn't even meat. grade z meat or something like that. so, i thought i'd be "healthier" and try out the seven-layer. less meat, more "vegetables," so it must be good for me, right? i ate seven-layers like a champ. for lunch, for dinner, sometimes twice a day. and always with pepsi or sierra mist. sounds awful when i think about it now, but back then, i didn't know no better. i learned about god and long division, but nutrition never even entered the discussion.

jimboy's and betos can also get honorable mentions. and there's this place by my apartment in columbia city that's okay. nothing worth getting excited about, though.

when i got to seattle, i tried taco del mar. the super veggie burrito is what they called it. when i order, this is how the conversation goes:

me: one super veggie burrito on tortilla please.
her: what kind of beans?
me: black beans.
her: cheese, lettuce, tomato?
me: yes.
her: hot, medium, or mild sauce?
me: medium.
her: for here or to go?
me: to go.
her: anything else?
me: no.

and so i go, hoping to find the world's next top burrito.

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