this story isn't appropriate for children.


i got lit and i watched the simpsons. i knew i was there when i couldn't stop laughing at this particular scene in the ralph loves lisa episode. lisa asks chief wiggum how he got krusty the klown tickets, and chief wiggum tells her that he caught krusty at a porno theater. when he finishes, lisa tells him, "that story isn't appropriate for children," and i was tearing up. like, why was chief wiggum telling a second grader that he was in a porno theater? goddamn, that was some funny shit. i went back to re-watch the scene, but then i found another scene that i didn't even remember watching. that's when i knew i was gone.

then i started thinking about lost, which is funny because i've only seen the first two episodes. i know nothing about lost, but then i started thinking about what i think the show might be about, and that freaked me out. like what if death isn't the end of us? what if there are all these alternate universes and we're in hell, or we end up in hell and we don't even know it? what if there's reincarnation and parallel dimensions and times and places that are crazy and more horrible than we could ever imagine?

why do i do it? i don't like losing control. but everything becomes so much funnier. like my friend was just playing a video game, and i knew we came from apes, but could you imagine an ape playing a video game? it would just look downright ridiculous. but it's perfectly normal for a human being to hold a remote control and pretend he is in control of another human being who is running around and throwing grenades at enemy soldiers. that's about when i thought all other species have it right. they just eat, screw, and try not to die.

my friend brought up full metal jacket, and that was a real buzzkill. i was only five or six years old when i saw a clip from that movie, and it haunted me for the rest of my life. it was the scene during basic training, when one of the soldiers completely loses it, and he shoots his drill sargeant before he shoots himself in the head. i was like five or six years old, and i was at a hotel with my parents. my dad was watching it, and i convinced him to let me watch some of it, too. i told him i could handle it. and then that soldier put the rifle in his mouth and all his blood and brains splattered against the bathroom tiles, and all i could think was, holy shit.

i couldn't imagine being in war. i watched the video game, and i failed to understand why people did it. why people went off (or ordered others off) to a foreign land and risked their lives for god, country, democracy, peace, stability, money, whatever it is. you run around and there's a chance an i.e.d. could just blow you to bits, or else a sniper could just burst your watermelon head. my friend said his cousin came back from two tours in iraq, one tour in afghanistan. he asked his cousin if he'd seen the hurt locker. his cousin said, "dude. no."

do you get it, though? like, this is it. right now i'm thinking i want to be wide awake and clear headed when it all goes down.

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