you's a hoe.


i didn't ever tell you about this girl, moriah, did i? well, i probably did, but who gives a shit? i'm always repeating stuff on this blog. sue me. moriah was this blonde girl who went to center high, and she took me on my first trip to the dreaded friend zone. we met at tower records. i was eighteen, and lamenting over the fact that i worked at a record store and still couldn't get laid. to my credit, staff was a real sausage-fest then, and i had just emerged from jesuit high school as a bitter individual who had just lost all faith in humanity.

needless to say, i was pretty happy when moriah showed up to work that first day. she smelled nice and had a vacant stare. she was pale, but not sickly-looking. she had green eyes (i think), wore lip gloss, eye shadow, and painted her nails either red or pink. a real girly girl. we talked about the interview process, the one where the general manager asked us to name all four beatles. she said she couldn't do it - she could only name paul and george - but she got the job all the same. she couldn't remember john fucking lennon's name. i was utterly entranced by her.

she kept talking to me, and i couldn't understand it. in those days, i was used to being ignored and downright ridiculed. so, why all of a sudden was this attractive girl who went to a ghetto high school talking to me about music and movies? we even had inside jokes. an example: back then, ludacris' song "you's a hoe" was a hit. she was talking to me on instant messenger and accidentally typed, "you's a shoe." it was a running gag for a long time.

one day, the store got free passes to jay and silent bob strike back. the screening was on a wednesday during the day, though, so passes were useless to most of the staff with the exception of moriah and me. i asked her if she wanted to go. she said, sure. i asked if she had seen any of kevin smith's other movies, and she told me that she hadn't. i told her that i had all of his movies on dvd and that she could borrow them if she wanted. somehow, she ended up inviting herself over to my house to watch mallrats instead.

she drove all the way from antelope or wherever the hell she lived to my parents' house in rosemont. for those of you unfamiliar with sacramento, that's like a forty minute drive. talk about leading a guy on! on the way over, she phoned me because she got lost. i gave her some bad directions, and she got even more lost. i was bad at giving directions because no one ever came to my house. finally, she arrived, and she was pissy. "you told me to turn left at mayhew!" i apologized, and then i turned on the movie. "what?" she said, "a movie with no popcorn?" jesus. i felt like i had invited peppermint patty to my house.

she asked to see my room, and i felt awkward about it. was this finally it? were we gonna do it? my mom was asleep in her bedroom, and i felt weird about bringing a girl to my room, even though i was already eighteen years old. what a noob, right? my room then was a total pervert's paradise. the walls were covered with britney spears posters and other scantily clad young women. i had shelves of cds and dvds, a blue trunk full of pornography. we watched some tv, and she told me i had a cool room. i asked her what was so cool about it. she said that i had obviously spent a lot of time there, and wanted it to look a certain way. at some point, my mom checked in on us, and i introduced moriah to my mom. my mom smiled and closed the door behind her.

you know how the rest of the night went because by now, you know my life. nothing happened.

a few days later, we went to go see jay and silent bob strike back with our free passes. she told me she would just meet me at the arden fair mall. i waited there, still not believing that this was happening. a girl was meeting me at the movies. a girl. me. movies. it didn't add up. she showed up, and she looked more amazing than ever. she was like one of those girls who was supposed to show up with her little female entourage, all the little bitches who envied and admired her all at once. she wasn't supposed to show up alone looking that good to meet schlubby me.

we made other plans. she drove me to her house for some reason, and i met her dad. the bathroom was a mess, and i didn't know pretty girls had disgusting bathrooms. i didn't get her family situation. she had an adopted asian brother or something, and an absent (or dead) drug addict of a mother she refused to talk about. i sat in her room, and i flipped through her old yearbooks. i was trying to figure out who this girl was, why she was spending her time with me, and where all of this was going.

that summer, we watched the fireworks atop the arden fair mall parking lot. i put on the jimmy eat world song, "just watch the fireworks." we got ice cream from leatherby's. she sang along to a song called "mt. moriah" that i had never heard of. we non-double-dated with our friends alejandro and chrissy, respectively. we got drinks from jamba juice. i played jimmy eat world's "sunday," and she asked me if i put that song on because it was sunday. i told her i did. i got jealous when i saw her talking to other guys at the store. even if we were just going to be friends, she helped me regain some faith in humanity.

summer was coming to an end, and i was all set to head up north for college, while she was gonna stay behind at american river community college. one of the last times we hung out, we decided to go to the california state fair together. i played one of the carnival games and won her a prize. she got on some ride that was just like a super fast car or something. we walked around to see the different exhibits, all the dirty pigs and smelly horses and giant squash. at the end of the night, we got our picture taken together at the kcra news exhibit, and just before the flash, i thought about kissing her. i didn't.

a year had passed. one lonely night in college, i instant messaged her and asked why nothing ever happened between us. she called me a downer, said i wasn't her type. she even called me "round." not square. round. as in, fat. i realized then that she hung out with me that summer probably because no one else could stand her.

and just like that, i could feel my faith slipping away once again.

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