dudes are a dime a dozen.


i don't know what she's doing. she told me once that she just wishes she had people who cared about her. now if i was a girl or sentimental or something, i would've said i cared about her. the thing is, i do care about her, but i'm a dude, and dudes don't say that kind of shit. that was like the time this other girl who was a friend told me her grandmother died, so me and this other girl that was also a friend both came over to her dorm room. she was crying her eyes out like i had never seen her cry before, and i was ready to come in, but she just let the girl in, and she shut the door in my face. she told me later it was because i was a dude. the funny thing is, she's not even friends anymore with that girl she let in.

i don't know why girls keep befriending me. maybe it's because i'm effeminate or something. i'm kind of lanky, speak softly, and i don't pose a threat. i am not dangerous. i still sometimes listen to wussy music. i read. i am supposedly a nice guy. it's a sucky thing, though, attracting the straight hags. because when a grandma dies, when it's bathroom time, when another girl is readily available, i move down in rank. the rule it seems, at least for them, is always hoes before bros. let's face it, if you're a girl, you're probably not inviting your straight male friend on vacation with you to another country.

and one would think having all these girl-friends (who are not actually "girlfriends") would lead to introductions to other available straight women, hookups, dates, sexting, etc. not so. for some reason, they always talk about setting me up, but it never actually happens. because a straight male friend to a girl is just like another pair of so-so shoes. she's never gonna wear them. and logically, she should donate them to the local goodwill, but there's a chance that some other younger, more attractive girl will snatch them up, wear them around town. and when that happens, the girl who got rid of her perfectly good shoes will think she has made a big mistake.

maybe most of my friends are girls because i got dude overloaded in high school. i went to an all boys' school, so it was dudes a dozen, day after day. we saw each other in the morning. we ate lunch together. sometimes, we hung out after school. and dudes were disgusting. in every class, there was always a fart. i mean, like a real fart. not just someone putting palms to his face and blowing air out his mouth, but the real deal. blowing air out of his ass. and everyone thought it was the funniest thing like it was the first time they'd heard a fart. me, i just thought it was disgusting. like, who farts in public like that? we live in a society, didn't they know? there are rules and customs, and we must follow them. but no, they just wanted to be animals.

i thought things would change in college. and they did, but not by much. dudes continued to annoy me. but this time, they farted out their mouths, acting like grownups when they clearly weren't. they wore ties with armbands and dark-rimmed glasses and tried to look like indie rock stars when they obviously weren't. they slept with girls way out of their league, and i bitterly resented them for it. they just wanted to smoke pot and drink all the time, and they talked about nietzsche like he was a buddy of theirs.

there was a time when i did actually have some serious male bonding. sophomore year, i bought an xbox, and three other dudes and i would play conflict: desert storm while listening to sigur ros. i enjoyed those nights immensely because everyone took it seriously. we were all 19, 20 years old, and we were real into this one video game, and we all could agree that () was the only thing we should listen to while playing it. it was the closest we were ever going to get to the real thing, our fictional band of brothers moments. we'd call for help when a man went down, and we'd throw smoke screens to distract tanks while another soldier would go plant the c4.

those dudes and i drifted apart, and we didn't bother keeping tabs on each other. because, who the hell keeps track of dude friends? it's always the weirdest thing asking a dude for his number. because that's like hella gay. whenever i see a potential dude friend, there are limits. you have to play it cool and overemphasize your heterosexuality. this can be done by checking out every girl in sight, talking about sports, spitting, talking about strip clubs and drinking a lot of beer. and when the encounter is through, you can't just say, hey, that was a great time, let me get your number and we'll do it again. nah. it's more like, aight, peace. see you around. or not.
maybe it isn't even a gender thing. maybe i'm just a misanthrope and girls happen to annoy me less. for one, they are typically more responsible. you don't normally hear about a thirty-five year old woman living with her parents and smoking dope while watching icarly in the basement all day. for the most part, it seems like they know what it takes to survive. this held true when i worked as a tutor at a high school. most of the girls did their work and behaved well. and the ones who didn't? well, they were going to be the meanest and baddest bitches around.

maybe i'm friends with women because i feel guilty. in general, they make less money, they have crazy stalkers, they sometimes get assaulted, they have to worry about being alone at night, they get cramps and bleed, they have to buy all kinds of crappy products just to look acceptable in society, and some of them, they actually have to push another human being out of them. that just sounds awful. my mom told me about childbirth once. she said it was like going through a dark tunnel that never seemed to end, and she was screaming at the top of her lungs, but she couldn't hear a sound. come on, mom. really, was it worth it?

it should be noted that jesus hung out with whores. remember the night before he was about to die, and all his boys just fell asleep on him? and when his ass got crucified, guess who was still around when it was all dark and rainy and shit? two women.

1 comment:

Mary said...

I was friends with a lot of guys in high school. Only friends. Always friends. Unlike your experience though, around me they weren't making excessive shows of heterosexuality, they were usually complaining about their girlfriends. I put up with it because they bought me beer and got me a fake id. They put up with me because I knew all their secrets, and for the obvious reason. . . I was a teenage girl who knew a lot of other teenage girls. But yeah, I haven't seen any of those guys since then. Hoes before bros, I guess.