i'm really going off, fireworks.


i waited for tiff in front of the showbox. i took a picture of the marquee, and i tweeted it. i couldn't believe i was back here. why the hell was i back here? sometimes, i float around this city, and i think, there must be a reason i came back here. if there really is fate or destiny or something, then what the hell was the purpose? for a while now, i've been waiting for something good. like, even if i'm at the corner of 4th and pine, and i see hayden panettiere's boob fall out, i could be like, oh, so there was a reason for me to come back to seattle, after all! for this one glorious moment! but who knows? most likely, there will be no heroes celebrity nudity for me.

so i saw this band called carissa's wierd. they hadn't played a show since 2003 or some shit, and this was their big one and only reunion show. i had a few beers and it was an alright time. afterward, misch bought me a polish sausage, and i ran into some old classmates from college. we didn't really talk about anything. after a few minutes, they left, and i felt like that was how it always was. other people always have somewhere more important they need to be. no one can just stand there and shoot the shit anymore. it gets too awkward or socially unacceptable or something. but me, i could stand there all fucking day.

i peed a lot that night. there was a dude in the bathroom, and he looked at the sink that was all scratched up and shit and he was like, i don't even wanna know what happened there! and then there was this girl who graduated a year before me, and i had never even seen her before in my life. we talked about something or other, but she grabbed my attention when she said she was unemployed. what i should've said was, would you like to help me sell all of my stuff tomorrow, and then we'll use the money to go volunteer at the american samoa islands through world teach? she wasn't even that cute, but it didn't matter. the next person who tells me to go somewhere with him or her for a short while or for good, and i'm gone. it'll make up for the time i didn't run away from home when i was fourteen, and i should have.

there are so many regrets that i have already. even just today, for example. nice weather and all that shit, but did i even bother going outside? nah. all i could think to do was leave the house to spend money. i wanted to go to guitar center to buy a new guitar. i wanted to go to target to buy a playstation 3. i thought about going to american apparel to get some baseball shirts. my only excuses for leaving the house are to acquire money and to spend money. it's no way to live.

i've already said this, and i'm sick of saying it already, but i need to man up already and make some real decisions.

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