humans weren't meant to.

see, i was just visiting family, and my cousin, he kept on being like, what are we gonna do, what are we gonna do? fool just couldn't shut up. he couldn't help himself, you know. and i remember that, i remember those days, even from just a few years ago. it'd be one of those days where there just wasn't a goddamn thing to do, and it was maddening. it was like, what are we gonna do, what are we gonna do? and so this is what we did: we went to the mall, we went out for ice cream, and then we went home. and that seemed like enough for my cousin who has two kids, and my other cousin who is just in high school. but it wasn't enough for me. it just wasn't. so i left.

and then there i was on this rooftop with a couple of friends, and more friends of friends. there were beers going around, and there were white people everywhere. and i should just get over the race issue already, right? if it's such a big deal, why don't i just go out there and make some asian friends, right? well, i don't know how to do that, so i just drank and kept quiet. and i've seen pictures of my cousin's facebook, and i see his red drunken face surrounded by mostly white people, and i've thought to myself: cousin, what the hell are we doing in this strange, strange place?

it didn't matter much because my legs had felt heavy, and i just wanted to go to sleep anyway. earlier in the day, i had hiked eight miles roundtrip up and down mt. si with a friend. i was all ready to go up the mountain with just a water bottle, but the jew told me to get some trail mix and a power bar or something. he said spending five hours in the heat with just a water bottle, well, that was just stupid. and he was right. it was a hell of a hike and a damn good thing i didn't do it alone.

that's what i've been wanting lately. remember office space? of course you do. well, the line that sticks out the most is where peter says something like humans weren't meant to sit in cubicles all day. and he's damn right about that. when i went up mt. si, i felt more alive than i've felt in years. because that's what we're supposed to do. we're supposed to move around and push limits, physically exhaust ourselves. we're not supposed to just sit around and ask, what are we gonna do, what are we gonna do?

today, i didn't do anything. i woke up late, ate, did the dishes, did laundry, called my mom, watched friday night lights the tv show, played guitar, chatted online. it wasn't much, but it beat doing something just for the sake of doing something. and that's what it felt like at home. going to the mall or out for ice cream just because we couldn't bear the thought of just sitting around looking at one another, or going out on a saturday night with the hope of having a good time. call me crazy, call me ignorant, but it just reflects poorly on us. it says something about how we don't know how to be with one another unless we're consuming, drinking, gossiping. it says that we don't think much of ourselves. the way most of us live is downright appalling when you really think about what we're doing.

hiking up mt. si made me realize how out of touch with nature, reality, humanity i am. why didn't my parents ever take me on a hike? why is it that, at twenty-seven years old, i've only seen beautiful scenery from inside a car? we'd go up to some of the most beautiful spots like lake tahoe, donner pass, marin headlands, and what would we do? parents to the casino, me to the arcade, all of us to the all-you-can-eat buffet. why didn't we ever set up a tent, and why didn't i get to play flashlight tag and go exploring the woods with my cousins? why was my only summer camp experience a week-long basketball scrimmage?

it's starting to catch up with me now, how much i missed out on. and now i'm doing everything i can to make up for lost time.

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