pornography, pt. 2.

back in the america online days, this is how it would work: you would go into a private chatroom, something called avis, and there would be a server there. let's say sickboy77 was the server. you would type: sickboy77/send list or something like that, and then you would get the list of titles in your email. you would scroll down, choose the files you wanted, and then you would type, sickboy77/send 24, 34-57, 68, 89. and then you'd get emails with attachments accordingly. you would download each file separately, and there were programs that could connect the files.

when the internet got faster, and america online was no longer the only option, it was all about passwords. the best way to do it was to google the @ symbol with the website name. for example, if you googled: back in the day, you would get all kinds of random sites that had lists of usernames and passwords. while not all of them worked, most did, and it was a satisfying thing. essentially, it was hacking, and it was just about as illegal as you could get. i got into many websites for free, and when i showed my cousin how to do it, he told me, "not a lot of people know how to do that."

i had downloaded so many files that it filled up my hard drive. i started to buy blank cds to burn the data onto them. soon, i had whole cd spindles, and it was getting out of control. i bought an external hard drive that i soon filled up, too. a classmate came into my dorm room once, and looked at what i had. he laughed at the absurdity of it. "why do you need that much?" he said. i didn't have an answer for him. our r.a., rebekah, once saw me hand off a spindle to another guy who wanted to copy some files. "is that porn?" she asked. jason laughed, told her no, it was to install a video game.

soon, my cousin told me about torrenting, and that brought downloading to a whole new level. basically, you install a program like utorrent or azureus, and then you go to a torrent site like or, and you have at it. sometimes, people will post a megapack, which can be as much as a couple hundred gigs. my other cousin told me that you could stream files from your xbox to your tv. he's usually good with technical stuff and computers, but when he tried to set it up, he couldn't figure it out. i had it figured out in minutes. when porn is involved, i am continually surprised by what i can accomplish. i could probably cure cancer if the reward was right.

i read this short story in an issue of adbusters once, and it's stuck with me ever since. this young man wrote that he had watched porn all his life, and even though he had a beautiful girlfriend he loved very much, she still wasn't enough.

my friend in college told me she caught her boyfriend by looking at his online history. she vented to me: "what?" she said, "am i fucking not enough?" she asked me if i would stop looking at porn once i got a girlfriend. i told her that i probably would.

my mom went to go see this movie called little children, and she told me about one of the characters in the film, about how he's obsessed with pornography. she said that he was so obsessed that it was almost funny. i laughed uncomfortably.

i've read articles from former porn stars, anti-porn crusaders. they talk about how, like it or not, it's still a form of misogyny. most girls who end up doing movies have been beaten, raped, molested, sexually assaulted. sometimes they end up doing things in films that they did not sign up to do. in post-production, editors cut away scenes involving blood, puke, or shit - anything that might break the fantasy.

my girlfriend wanted to show me her new blog that she had started. she started to type in the url for blogger, but once she had typed in "b," "l," "o," showed up because of the auto-fill feature. she hit the "g" before she noticed, and it disappeared. i hated myself then for being so weak. why couldn't i stop?

i remember this episode of sex & the city, when a guy miranda is dating has to turn on porn every time they get it on. when she finally confronts him about it, he tells her that they have just been dating for a few weeks. but he's been watching porn his whole life.

the episode of freaks & geeks where bill, neil, and sam watch porn in the garage for the first time is the most accurate portrayal of that experience i've ever seen.

my college roommate is the only guy i know who has admitted that he doesn't watch porn.

i've read an article about how it messes with your mental well being. something about how your concept of risk and reward is screwed with, something about how your body doesn't create as much dopamine as it should. it actually takes a physical toll.

i heard my mom once state the obvious. "america is oversexed," she said.

it's all related. that guess jeans peachee folder my cousin once had, those pictures of cindy crawford and paula abdul in my disney adventures magazine, every girl i've ever had a crush on, every girl i've wanted to fuck, that civilization is founded on the repression of instincts, american pie, britney spears and jeans that have juicy on the back, school girl outfits and the fires of hell, "birthday sex," "i touch myself," madonna's cone bra, lady gaga's machine gun bra, pretty much every r&b song on the radio from 1991-1996, sharon stone in basic instinct, victoria's secret, etc.

i think that pornography is best summed up in fight club, after the protagonist beats angel face to a bloody pulp. when asked why he did it, why he took it that far, he responds: "i felt like destroying something beautiful."

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